This has been a month of changes, and changes equal emotional melt downs.
I have to go through a probate process to get my name on the house. I made the appointment with an attorney that I spent months researching and he has been great to work with so far. They day I went in to get the court order stating that I was legally allowed to take care of Dons estate was tough. I cried all the way home with that piece of paper on the passenger seat next to me.
I have started to go through items in the shed so that I can pack up the items going to his family, even though its the things that have absolutely no memory attached for me, its still his things and its hard. Some moments it feels like I'm "getting rid of him" and others it ok. its an emotional roller coaster.
I miss him. I dont have words to express how much I miss him. I sill experience a roller coaster of emotions. I will have several days of good days and then I crash and cant seem to catch my breath again. I want so much to talk to him and have him answer back, and to offer his input on decisions that I am making.
I dont express myself as well as he did with words, and lately I've found myself working through my emotions with songs. I now have a whole playlist on my phone that I play every night. they are songs that meant something to him and to me and to us as a couple. it has really helped to calm my mind and heart at night. Listening to music was something we did together at night while we talked and caught up on happenings in each others life.
I am starting to get into a routine at night now. it doesnt always work, but I'm trying. I struggle with motivation mainly, its getting better.
I've got a trip planned next month, and its one I've been looking forward to for the last two months. I will get to see Dons family and hopefully I will be able to heal a little more. I am so excited for this trip. its helped to have something to look forward to.
what I've learned in 7 months so far:
Grief is ugly, and it is so unpredictable. Its frustrating and its slow and its hard!
keeping busy doesnt always work, it just postpones the inevitable and your body figures out how to grieve and it doesnt care when or where it will do it. (usually the most inconvenient time and place)
I've started going through Dons stuff I had tucked away. It's all so hard to sort through and hard to get rid of. It feels like you are "getting rid" of the person and It occured to me why I've avoided going through the clothes part and why it's so much harder then everything else. A part of me still is waiting for him to come home from work, to walk through that back door and of course when he does, he will need those clothes. Not logical I know... but this is how my mind works these days.
For me personally, My plan is that I will make a quilt with some of his clothes which will go on my bed. some will go to his family, and others to a young man that lives in my parents neighborhood that is in need.
Don was very into music and used songs to express his thoughts to me. So today while going through things, it was like Pandora was channeling songs from him. Song after song reminded me of times we would lay in bed and he would play me songs (mostly snippets of songs) and would tell me why he liked that song, or how he interpreted the songs message. I stopped cleaning more than once to write the song down so I could go back and save it in my music library.
Tonight I am taking a break after working through two full rooms. I am so thankful for family that comes and helps move the big stuff that I can't lift on my own. This weekend, we tackle the shed outside.
6 months = 1/2 year = 181 days = 25 1/2 week = 4344 hours = 260640 minutes
I would like to tell you it has gotten easier. There are certainly days that I can smile through the hole
in my heart and put on the brave face. I've enjoyed a solid two weeks without total melt downs, just minor tears as a moment hits me so I knew that a tidal wave of grief was coming.
yesterday morning a wall of grief hit hard. I teared up several times at work, but managed to pull it together to get through my half day. I cried all the way home.
My mind replayed every detail about our last evening together. You had texted me while I was driving hom and told me you weren't feeling well, but wanted to go out to dinner. I got home and we went out to applebees to eat. we talked and laughed and enjoyed our night out. Once home we watched some tv, joked around, played some games all before going to bed for the night. I slept in the spare room knowing you were not feeling well and this would allow you to sleep through the night. This is my one regret. so many tears and sobbing (the i cant breathe kind)
so today, I will be at work, I will try to keep busy and just survive.
I cant believe it has been 6 months. Time seems to have flown by, yet at the same time it has stood still. if that makes any sense at all. I've been awake for the last couple of hours, unable to sleep. I'm not sure how today will play out, but the goal is to just really put the earphones in and block out everything. I just have to figure out what I will be listening to... most music is pretty much out, out of audio books right now..... Today is definitely not going to be a good day. Its been awhile since I've had a really hard day, but i've got this. just have to make it through 9 hours of work and then home to curl up on the couch for the night.
It really sucks that you are the person I want to call when I am having a rough night. you are the one I want to wrap your arms around me and tell me its all ok. You are the one I just want to comfort me. I hate this new life, I hate everything about this.
I miss you so much. there are not enough words to express how true those 5 words are. Forever my Always!
It's 3:30am and I've been awake for an hour and a half. Ive tossed, turned, gotten a drink of water... cleaned up dog throw up and still can't get back to sleep. Not emotional, no tears, just wide awake. This is a side of grief that sucks.
I am however grateful it's Sunday and I can take a nap or sleep in once I do fall back asleep.
Nothing really to share, just thought I would type here while I was awake.
Its Friday, and that means today marks 24 weeks without the love of my life.
just a couple weeks from marks 6 months. (March 16th) I am not even there yet, but already struggling with the 6 month mark. I hate feeling weak, and I hate crying in front of people. I have gotten better at putting on the big smile and making people believe i'm doing great.
I struggle sometimes with remembering that its ok to not be strong all the time.
I am starting to have multiple days in a row that are good days. Days that I can smile through memories and thoughts, and days that I can laugh while sharing a story or two.
I treasure those days, because I know that the bad days are still around and will hit at any moment. some days are a mix of the two emotions.
a lesson I've learned quickly while on this grief journey is that Grief is not just emotional. Grief has many physical downfalls too. a fellow widow posted this article to our widows/widowers facebook group and it listed just some of the physical things that happen. http://www.whatsyourgrief.com/physical-grief-symptoms/
For me personally, I've experienced both insomnia and excess sleep. I've been sick more than normal, extreme headaches, and my food intake is all over the board (either not at all, or nothing but eating anything in site-and not usually healthy). I've lost motivation and most days come home and lay on the couch or sit in my chair and just stare into space or at the tv.
The physical side of grief seems to enhance the emotional side. You are weakened from not sleeping, or headaches, or being sick and the emotions kick into overdrive, which then makes you more tired, headaches worse. It really is a horrible cycle
I started to realize I had to make a change, and asked my boss to adjust my schedule. I was working 4 tens, and on the day off I found that I would lay in bed until 1 or 2pm because I was having emotional breakdowns or just couldnt get moving. I'd get up in the afternoon and move to the couch. so I asked to change my schedule so that I had a reason to get up in the morning. Now I typically have just one day of the weekend that I struggle.
today is a minor emotional day. a few tears fill the eyes, and i have a little headache. It was a beautiful day and as I drove home I kept looking up into the mountains. Don loved being in the mountains during the ski season. he loved sending pictures to me from the top of the canyon. I miss our crazy weekly schedule. I remember feeling like a single person during the winter and thinking how much I hated it. I didnt want to be single, I wanted the marriage and the companionship. Now that I am a single person this winter I can say, I hate it. I'd give anything to have our crazy life back. I miss stealing a quick 2 minute phone call in between runs or driving to the airport to take him a sandwich while he waited for passengers.
I miss Don more than words could express. not a day goes by that I dont think of him, and want to talk to him. I miss my best friend.
to all of you that have chosen to read and share this journey will me, THANK YOU. In a time that my world has been turned upside down, Its so nice to have my friends and family that have chosen to stay close and help drag my butt out of my house once in awhile.
Wednesday, March 1, 2017
for those that are joining me on this journey. I wanted to give you an idea of how I do this. I typically write TO Don, it makes me feel like I am talking to him directly. I do tend to write more when I am having a rough day, only because those seem to be the days I need to talk to him the most. so on that note.... its been a couple of good days.
Don,
Its been a good day today, and the last couple of days actually.
I had the house measured for new windows this morning. Its not going to cost as much as we had originally thought. It will take a couple of weeks to get them ordered and in, and then just need to set up a date to install them. I'm so excited to have that checked off the list of home repair. I am also excited to see how different it makes heating/cooling the house. no more plastic on the windows.
I think furnace and insulation is next. anything else is cosmetic (paint and organization)
I need to start going through the shed and garage. Some of those things are going to Oregon this summer to your brothers and family. I dont want to push it to last minute, so I need some decent weather for a small stretch. I am going to have my family help go through it so that maybe it wont feel so overwelming.
This year on the anniversary of your death... the American Heart Walk will happen in Sugarhouse park. I will have a team walking with me that day. I cant think of a better way to celebrate you. not sure what else I will do to honor you, but I have a few months to think of things.
not tons to tell you today, but wanted to write when it was a good day for a change. Need to get the house cleaned up so that I can enjoy the rest of the week.
always my forever. Love you so much ~ Ginny
Its been awhile since I wrote on my blog. a lot has happened.
For those that are friends on Facebook, you already know... others, why are we not friends on Facebook or Instagram?
Don passed away September 16, 2016 at about 8:00 am, shortly after arriving to work for the day.
we had spoken that morning, enjoyed our typical morning banter. I kissed him and then I headed to work. We texted once he pulled into work, and he was still "whining" about the morning (which was normal for him). and just 30-40 minutes later I was getting the worst call ever.
I had been writing on his facebook and mine, and tired quickly of hearing the negative comments *that I wont go into here* and so I changed the settings on his facebook which allowed me to write directly to him, and i was the only one to see it. now, 5 months later, I'm hearing people that wish I'd share more of my thoughts.... I was under the impression I could go back later and print it out from Facebook, but I can't, so I will be transferring some of the posts here.
so If you don't want to go backwards and read those posts, skip the rest of this first post.
just know that going forward, this is where I will write my feelings and what I'm experiencing as I navigate this rough world of widowhood. so if reading my emotions and experiencing my ups and downs is not your thing, dont click on my link to my blog. I will not be apologizing for what I feel or what I write. My posts will be raw, and it wont be for everyone.
ok: skip to the next post, the rest of this will be old posts from facebook.
LAST WARNING:
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September 16, 2016 · Midvale ·
My heart is broken today. I received the devastating news that my husband of 3 years, 11 months passed away at work this morning. It's been a nightmare today and I'm slowly processing it all. We froze Facebook tagging until the family was contacted, which has been done now. We don't have details of services yet but will post more as we get it all figured out. I'm sure going to miss this man. I'm on and off Facebook depending on how I am at the moment.....I have read every message and I love you all
September 21, 2016 ·
Writing came easy..... Seeing it in print though ...... Whoa, wasn't ready for that reaction. What a handsome face that is though. Sure miss that half smirk a lot. http://www.goffmortuary.com/notices/Don-Clark
September 23, 2016 · Midvale ·
Warning... Emotional post.
7 days/168 hours without you, without your touch, without hearing your voice. Yesterday was hard for me. I spent the day replaying Thursday last week because it's the last full day we had. Lots of tears and a few smiles. I'm so grateful we took the chance to go out for dinner even though you were so tired and not feeling great. I can't remember any of our conversation, I just know we were together. I loved our nights out, loved seeing you smile at me. Loved the teasing, loved the goofy jokes...
This time last week, I kissed you and told you to have a good day, you grunted (because it was 6am) And I left for work. I have your last text to me telling me you arrived at the warehouse and we're ready for your day. It's the last time we spoke in any form. It's been a lot of "had I known, shoulda, woulda, coulda" this week. Lots of tears and lots of smiles remembering how amazing you are. Your mom and sister arrived right after you left, your dad and family from Oregon arrived last night.
This morning is hard. Tears won't stop. I miss you so much. I'd give anything to have you here. I hate that everyone is here and you are not. All your clothes are washed and your scent is gone from them. We have all the pictures printed and ready for tomorrow. Program planned and everything ready. You would be hating the attention being on you right now.
Oh honey, how am I suppose to do this without you. You were the level headed one keeping me from over reacting. I need you here. I want you here!
October 7, 2016 · Midvale ·
It's been 21 days now, since you went away. And while the tears don't flow nightly anymore, they still flow often and typically without warning. The heartache caused from missing you is very much there. I still wake most nights and reach over to your side of the bed. We have most of our conversations at that time. I am sleeping better though. I try to keep a positive outlook on life without you in it and most days I do pretty good at it.
I miss you every single minute of every day. I am so grateful you were mine for the years we had. I love you handsome!
Missing
you today, what would've been our 4th wedding anniversary. I took the day off months
ago, so that we could spend it together, SO instead, today I'm going to
enjoy some ME time, Pedicure, a little shopping, and then I'm having our
Anniversary Dinner of Olive Garden (pick up orders are great) and
watching chick flicks tonight (popcorn for dessert-thank you for your
gift of the new popcorn maker) I love you so very much, and even though
you are not physically here, you are very much here with me today, and
every day.
One
full month today. Sleep escapes me again tonight and while I lay here
listening to the wind I'm thinking of you again. (Still) Emotions
seem more raw and more at the surface now than a month ago. Tears flow
quicker. Still I smile when I hear or say your name. Life has
gone on around me, and I'm still going through motions of work and home
and school with a few outside activities thrown into the mix. I put on a
smile and plug through,Trying to find my new normal. I miss you so much, it hurts to breathe sometimes. I've been trying to find some positives (like lower utility bills 😉,
house stays cleaner, less laundry) but truth is..... I'd rather pick up
another glass or bowl you left out for the 100th time, or pay higher
utilities any day of the week if it meant you were here. Love you hubby.
day
#33: Today is a good day. Today the pain of not having you here is
bearable. Of course its Wednesday and you were always out of town on
Wednesdays, so in my mind, its just another normal day. I got to chat
with Tammy at the warehouse today, they had a truck accident that closed
the freeway down and I knew it would affect the driver coming in from
Wendover, so I sent her the link. We chatted a bit and joked that of
course it happened on Wednesday. I worked this morning
and then have been home going through bills and papers still trying to
get somewhat organized. I've asked your opinion out-loud more than once
and in my mind I can hear you say..."you do the finances, whatever you
think is best". I hated that line when you were here, and now it just
makes me smile remembering the times I would roll my eyes at you for
saying it. I changed some settings on your Facebook so that I
could write to just you. I'm hoping this will help not only me, but
the nieces and nephews that do see my posts and worry about Aunt Ginny
more than is necessary. I reported your death to Facebook today too,
they'll be changing this to a "in memory" page that I'll be able to
download and print out later for my own keeping. I'm off tomorrow
and the first life insurance check is released from the banks hold so
that I'll be able to pay off the debts in my name so I can get my credit
score where it needs to be in order to keep the house. I'll get it
there and you wont need to worry about me being ok. I WILL BE OK
Handsome! just bear with me on the tears and frustration of you not
being here a bit longer. I will get through this. You and I both know
I can make it on my own, and I'll do it again.
words cant express how much I miss you. Its a weight sitting on my
chest all the time. I need your advice on some of your things, so I'll
be listening for you to tell me what i should do. Don, I love you SO much and I'm SO glad you are mine forever!
Day
34: woke up at 2 with tears and started talking to you. I told you I
was tired and I really just needed sleep. I felt you in the room, and
plain as day I heard you tell my mind to just relax and close my eyes.
You told me I would be ok. I told you I loved you, that I wished you
were here. You said you loved me too and you are here right now and
again told me to close my eyes. I did and suddenly felt peace and
calm. I must've fallen asleep quickly because the next thing I know
it's 7am. Thank you! Getting ready to start my day and my mind
feels clear and ready to go. I still miss you with every fiber of my
body. I love you so much. All my love today, wifey
day
35: I haven't forgotten you today. put in a full day at work and now
finally relaxing at home. Today has not been too bad. Got a little
emotional at lunch because I went down to the park where we used to meet
for lunch. I've been ok since. Had a long text chat with Lynn today. I've been invited back to meetings again and I told
her I just couldnt do it right now. I told her I've been really
stuggling with beliefs. of course her response was that her and
John could come help answer questions and help me understand, which I
declined... I know what I feel vs what you believed is so different and
I'm so confused. My experiences since your passing have been great and
they've helped, but it goes against everything you believed about death
and it lines up with mine , more. I feel you here with me when I'm at
my lowest of lows, I've talked to you and I've felt you guiding me...how
can that be if the dead have no soul and are just sleeping, unaware of
anything going on? see my dilemma? am I feeling this way because I want
it so bad or is there more after death and the witnesses have it wrong?
I dont even know where to turn for the answers because whatever church
or leader I speak with will just give me more of their interpretation
of the bible. sorry, I could ramble on for days and never say
anything more than what I just said.... you were always the more level
headed and would listen to me ramble on about what I believed growing
up, and you would share your beliefs and somehow just knowing we could
both believe similar but so different and still co-exist was enough.
going to spend the day with Amanda and her boys tomorrow, she has no
car and I've offered to get her to her boys and let them be together.
she's really fallen on some tough times and has turned temp custody of the
boys over to their dad.
just relaxing tonight, no business, no
financial stuff... just a friday night with some pizza and a movie or tv
show or whatever I find to watch. I miss you, that will never change! Love you so very much!
A Day, A Week, A Lifetime
Author Unknown
When I wake up in the morning I ask myself How will I get through this day Without You
As I dress and prepare to start my day I wonder How will I go on Without You
As the day slowly slips away I remember how you made me laugh And I smile Without You
At the end of the day As I prepare to close my eyes I know in my HEART I couldn't have gotten through the day Without You
I
really hate weekends! The world slows down, no work to get me out and
interacting with others.... just me and the house and the few chores
that need done for a household of 1. I'm really feeling your loss today
handsome! The only noise in the house is the washing machine and my
thoughts. I want to be angry at someone/something and that in itself
is pissing me off! I need to go grab a few things at the store but I
need to get my emotions in check first so that the poor unsuspecting
cashier doesn't get yelled at for doing her job. So frustrating!
My
heart hurts today. I'm home sick today, which leaves a full day to my
thoughts. I'm wrapped up on the couch in a blanket you bought for me
and just really missing you. I actually picked up my phone to call you
and realized i couldn't. its those moments that bring everything
rushing back to me, and all of a sudden i could see you laying on the
gurney covered with the blankets. ohhh this is so not how our life was
suppose to happen. we had plans and goals we were working
towards. My credit was almost where we needed it, so I could be added
to the house.... we were just two weeks away from getting my name added
to the Cyprus account....We were trying for a baby, and even had names
all picked out.... we were planning a cruise for our next anniversary,
and you were so excited and picking out travel routes and excursions....
I'm not only mourning you, I'm mourning the future plans and
dreams that we will never get to do together. I hate this so much! I
am tired of the brave "I've got this" face, but Its the only way I can
get through the day. I'm tired of the fake smiles and the
pleasantries... I got invited to a baby shower for Jonathan and
Lindy and I cried because that will never be us. The sad part is, I
knew that the possibility of not having a baby was there but never
imagined that it was because of death. I hate cooking for one, but I need to get back on a schedule of better eating. I cant keep eating out or ordering in.
The weather is turning and I think its going to be time to turn off the
outside water, I need to call John over because he said he would help
with the water, then i need to cover the windows here pretty soon. This
was always your department, so I'm trying hard to think of all the
things you did to winterize. guess I'm going to really learn to use the
snow blower this year, but should probably get with Steve on the right
gas mixture. Once I know I can get the house loan over to my name, I'll
look at getting new windows and a new furnace (that I'm hoping will
make it through this winter) I miss you so much!
Having
a really rough morning! I miss you so much. I miss your breathing
next to me, the way you'd sit up and flop down any time you had to turn
over in bed. I miss morning breath kisses, and bringing you coffee in
bed just so you could function in the morning. Everyone says this gets
easier, when? When does this get easier? I need my level headed best
friend to tell me his opinion. I want to hear your voice. I want to
hold you and be with you. I know I CAN make a
life on my own, but I don't want to. This isn't fair! I'm so mad, I
just don't know who or what to be mad at. I need to go through that
spare room, and get the house papers and other papers in order but I
know that means cleaning and going through more of your stuff and I just
don't want to put your stuff all away yet. I still need you in the
house. I have a meeting in 30 minutes and I need to pull myself together. I love you handsome.
Someone
posted this in a widows group I'm a part of and it was just perfect.
"Things will never be exactly "normal" again. Once we loose someone we
love, things are not the same. But in time, we find a new normal. The
rhythm of life resumes. The day to day begins again. And though the loss
doesn't end, life does go forward. Time tempers the pain to a
manageable dullness and we find joy in remembering. We find wholeness
and acceptance." Today marks 6 weeks. The time has moved
both so slow and yet so fast. The day I lost Don is forever sketched
in my head, yet I really don't remember much of that day. I remember
finally being able to see him and finally realizing how real this was.
That image will never leave me. I have many bad days, and those are
hard. I've learned to put on a smile and get through those days
(mostly)....But I choose to celebrate the good days and those are the
ones I will post about. I think yesterday's post gave people the
impression that I'm done grieving and that is so far from the truth. I
love a great man that is no longer with me and I will grieve that loss
for the rest of my life because I will not stop loving him. I do have
good days and i am so grateful for those. They give me strength for the
days that are harder. I have only had 1 night where I've slept
through the night so far and I'm exhausted. But it's those hours I'm
awake at night that I talk out loud to Don and work through a lot of
emotions. Most nights I struggle because I know there is an empty side.
Friday's are my hardest days, he died on a Friday and so Friday's are
now a marker of time for me. When I'm off on Fridays I have to make a
conscious effort to plan something that will get me up and moving.
Today is a morning appointment. It's a daily struggle to put one step
in front of the other alone, but I know I have to and I know Don would
want me to. Love you all and so grateful to everyone on this grief journey with me.
6
weeks! I don't even know what to say today. I didn't sleep well or
for long and I'm emotional this morning. I need to get up and moving so
I can get my hair done. But I didn't want to start my day without
talking to you and telling you how much I'm missing you. I haven't
felt you around the last couple of days. Usually when I talk outloud to
You I can hear your voice telling me what to do. Time seems to be
going so quickly by me and I'm just going through the motions
most days. I'm stuck in the "fake it till you make it" mindset. I've
got some projects on my to do list so today while I'm off I think I will
start chipping away at those. I love you with my whole heart, I hope
you know that! I worry every day that I didn't show you enough, that I
didn't tell you enough. And yet I know with every fiber of my being
that you loved me so much. You told me all the time and you showed me
with your actions. Please still be around, I'm not ready to do this on
my own.
I
miss you more and more with each passing minute, I love you and wish
you were here around me. I did not sleep well last night, i woke up
about midnight and tossed and turned from then on. I had a rough
morning getting up and going today. went in to see Andi for my hair
appointment, right away she could tell it was a rough morning for me.
She hugged me and told me she "got it", we had the salon to ourselves
for the first hour. It was nice to just talk to my friend while
she worked on my hair. we were able to talk about grief and loss and
things people said while they were trying to "help" We talked about
you and Ciera (her daughter) and had some shared tears. then the
silliness started and we both cheered up. Stopped by Lowes and got
the supplies needed to change up the fireplace a little bit. I'm so
excited to change the color and I hope you'll be ok with it. I'll start
on that tomorrow. grabbed me some lunch and went home. I laid
down on the couch to watch some tv and ended up taking a nap which
helped the headache that I've had for two days ease up a bit. hoping
I'll be able to go to sleep tonight
** warning Nik, its an emotional one***
My cousin Chris is getting married today at 3 and I want so much to be
happy for them but all it's reminding of is that I don't have you by my
side. I'm paralyzed with sadness today, tears won't stop and I
can't seem to crawl out of bed. You should be going to this wedding
WITH me. I've had a hard weekend, not sure why this 6 week mark was so
hard. I accomplished absolutely nothing this weekend other than lay around and mope. I know
I can't keep having days/weekends like this but I don't know how to
climb out of my funk. I get mad, but all that does is bring on sadness
again. I must be getting good at faking it because at the truck r
treat at my moms church I was told I looked happy. I felt like
screaming at the poor lady who I didn't even know. Anyway, I'm
taking all your old publications to the Kingdom Hall today, Collin will
take them and store them or use them for himself. I've had them
(some members of the congregation) show their true colors... acting all
friendly, until I made it clear I wasn't interested in bible studies or
attending and all communication stopped. I truly am just a number to
them and that just pisses me off and makes it more and more clear that
it's not the group for me. I just feel lost! At least when I got
divorced it was a choice I made and i had better ideas of what to
expect.... sudden death is so not the same! I didn't choose this, I am
just making stuff up as I go. I have lost loved ones but losing the
love of my life is so different. So isolating and so hard. Everything
just hurts all the time. I don't want to do this anymore. Just come
back please, come and just hold me while I cry and tell me it's ok and
just make life make sense again. I'm so sorry I didn't push the
doctor thing more, im sorry I didn't make you an appointment with
someone different sooner, I'm so sorry I didn't sleep in the bed with
you that last Thursday night when I was so exhausted I just wanted to
sleep, I'm sorry, just so so sorry! I let you down and because of that,
I lost you. I lost a whole future with you.
Hi
Handsome! had an ok day. One of the supervisors Tammy at work
pulled me into her office today and we just talked. She wanted me to
know that she really does "get" it and she wanted me to know that she
knows that I'll have many bad days and I'll have break downs for many
years... She shared that she lost her first husband 32 years ago today.
She teared up talking about him and then after both of us are wiping
tears away, she said, she was thinking of me and just really
needed me to know that her office is always a safe place and that she
felt I needed to know that I had someone there that actually understood
the journey I'm on. It was rather refreshing to not have to hide
behind a smile with her today.
today on the way home I picked up my phone to call for our 5 oclock
phone call, and when it hit me that I couldnt do that, I tossed the
phone to the passenger seat and cried. I havent done that since you
passed and I'm not sure why tonight it was the one thing I wanted so
badly. I'm off tomorrow, and pretty determined to actually DO
something rather than lay around and mope. I've got my list going and
will be happy to accomplish some of that list. Joined a couple of
widow groups on facebook and its been nice talking to other women on
this journey too. I'm learning quickly that there is no timeline for
this and that its going to be a LONG trip.
sorry, a lot of
rambling tonight. my thoughts are everywhere. Please be with me and
somehow let me know you are here. I miss you so much and just really
need to know I'm not alone. Love you
I'm losing it today. Fridays are no longer good days. They are now a
constant reminder of that shitty day you died. God I said it, you
died-you didn't leave. That's the first time I've said it.
Sitting at work blubbering like a fool until I had to go let Tammy know I
was stepping outside to my car. She just nodded and said go. I really
need you to be here. I need to hear your voice, I need your touch, I
just need you. I find myself pulling
away from people because I can't understand why they get to move on and
be happy while I'm stuck in this hell. I can't be happy for them, I'm
so jealous of the new marriages, babies, every happy moment In Their
life. I know rationally it's not fair for me to be that way but I'm
inwardly so angry for what I've lost. I keep being told how strong
I am, how awesome I'm doing and it really just pisses me off. I hide
my pain when I can, and keep it to myself mostly. I'm sharing happy
memories on Instagram /Facebook to keep it upbeat. Thank god for the
widows group and this page where I can vent and be angry and there is no
judgment or people telling me that I'm young and I'll find someone new
and I'll move on... etc. I just want to scream at them, don't they know
I had the best, you aren't replaceable or something/someone to just get
over. God I just need you here. Oh babe, I can't do this.
Hi
there. I haven't written you for a couple days. I never stopped
thinking about you though. I still talk to you out loud in the house,
and announce that I'm home every time I enter. I had a decent
weekend. We got the yard taken care of and I got the house done inside.
Back at work today and have 20 minutes to go (finally). It's crazy that this Friday is 8 weeks and the following Wednesday marks the two month mark. I'm not waking up at 3am every night anymore, some nights still, but not every. When I do, I am mostly able to get myself back to sleep.
I am finalizing plans for Washington for Jason's birthday. I've
arranged time to meet up with your family on Friday while I'm there and
have lunch or dinner or something. Hopefully everyone can make it. I
really want to see Jake and just visit with them. I am going to plan a
drive out there in the spring or summer to take some of your things out
to them. I'm going to give your Jake your fishing gear. I think
that would mean more to him then anyone else. I know Joel wants the
tools, so I might split them between him and Jason. Still deciding on
those however. Just slowly going through things and getting it all
organized and cleaned up. I wear your bronco jacket/hoody, it's now
mine. It's like a hug from you. I miss you all the time and wish you were here.
Hey
you, you've been my mind a lot more than normal the last two days. I
have smiled, cried and just been numb all weekend. Went with my family
up to Nikki's church for a Christmas bazaar. They had some cute stuff
and I bought a candy dish. Two of the sweet ladies in her church (whom I
only met at her vow renewal) came and gave me a big hug and sincerely
told me how sorry they were to hear about you. Coming up on two months on Wednesday and it seems so unreal that it's been two months already yet seems like yesterday.
Yesterday would have been
Patsy's birthday, I had to imagine you two were together being silly
and having a good time to keep the tears at bay. I miss her too so
much. Jamie asked us all to go and do a random act of kindness in
Patsy's honor... so I'll come up with something today and will do that!
I'm just staring at my phone now, so I'll sign off and hopefully
get to go back to sleep for a little bit. This 2 am wide wake thing
makes for a long day but I feel like you are here then. I don't know
if it's because that's about the time you'd come crawl into bed or what.
Till the next time we chat. I miss you and I love you more than words can say.
a
little bit emotional tonight. (pms-ing too, which isnt helping)
tomorrow marks 60 days without you. Two months missing your touch,
missing your smile and the way you would wink at me from across the room
when we were in public and just sitting in the living room. we are expecting our first snow this week and it just reminds me that we are heading into another season without you. dreading tomorrow already. wish I had words, but tonight I have none, just tears and heartache. I miss you so much!
Well
here we are at 9 weeks. Another Friday, another week gone by. I'm
doing ok this morning so far. I have the day off so I'm actually still
laying in bed. I've given myself until 8 to get up then i will tackle
3 items from my to do list. I'm taking charge of my weekend and not
allowing my grief to be in charge. We've had many chats this week while
in the car, sitting on the couch, and laying in bed. We've talked
about how I just need your help getting off the couch
and motivated just a little bit when I am home. I've been just talking
out loud about everything that comes to mind and that's helped more
then you know. I'm sure the people in cars next to me think I'm
strange, but I don't care because I'm talking to my husband about my
life and world. You never leave my mind, you are thought of with
every decision I have to make. I make decisions based on the goals we
had and so I'm still working towards those. I walk in the door
and say hi honey, I'm home and usually stop and smile when I think of
how silly that is. Some how it makes the house feel less empty.
My plan is to coast through the next couple months and after the first
of the year I'll pick up and finish getting financial stuff in order (
cars, house, bank, etc) I miss hearing your voice, I miss seeing
your face and those gorgeous hazel green eyes look at me with so much
love. I hate so much that this is what life dished out for us, it's
sucks so much! I think of you every minute of every day and have so
much love for you. Time will never change that. Until our next chat my
love. 💋
One
day, things will be alright again right? This has not been a good
week. I almost would rather have crappy weekends so the weekdays would
be better. I'm sitting at work laughing with coworkers between
tears. We are shopping online for names from the angel tree our company
picked up. And all I want to do is talk with you and text and go home
to you tonight. Not much snow In The mountains yet, I think ski
resorts are hoping this storm this weekend will dump up there so they
can open Monday.
Happy
turkey eating day! I've been awake since 1:30 with many tears and
heart aches. They have finally started to dry up so that maybe I can
get some sleep this morning. I've gone through a good portion of my
tissues just this morning. I should just move to the couch and turn on
the tv for noise. It's been such a rough week. I'm not sure why
this week has been so hard. Typically it's just a day here or there but
it's been a steady week of hating this new life. Maybe it's
because for the first time since you died I feel like finances are
going to be ok and I will be ok. My heart fights me on that because I
don't want to be ok if that means you had to die. I have so many
thoughts that I just don't know how to put them all down into words.
Maybe that's why so many tears. You were and still are such a huge part
of my life, every decision was made with you in mind and now it's just
me. Oh God I miss you. I miss you so very much!
Good
morning my love. Didn't get a full night, but I did get good solid 5
hours of sleep. Now getting up to tackle the house and laundry so that I
can head south to spend a little time with your mom. So I'm going
to put my little tree up this year. I know you didn't want one, but I'm
just trying to find me again, and fight my way out of this funk I'm in.
So going back to what I did when it was just Jason and I and starting
there. Know that I love you, I wish every day that you were here. I don't know how to be me without you.
So,
trying to figure out if I am coming down with something or if this
grief thing has taken a different/new turn. Took my sleep aid last night
and slept all right not great but all right. Woke up with a migraine,
moved to the couch and have not moved all day except to grab food. I
haven't even gotten out of my pajamas today. I did take two naps
however. At 8:30 tonight I crawled right back into bed still with a
headache.... There have been no tears just binge watching Netflix and sleep.
Didn't
make it to your moms. Didn't sleep well and woke up feeling crappy and
feverish. I did manage to go to Cyprus today and finally take in your
death cert. I talked to Shauna for over an hour. We sat and talked
about you and teared up, smiled and just remembered you. The whole
branch expressed their condolences and told me how much you would be
missed. You sure made an impression on those ladies :).
I'm tired, so very tired. I know my body is trying to tell me how
tired I am but yet my mind and heart are struggling to let me get solid
rest.
I feel so rested this morning. Took some zzzquil and seriously slept (deep sleep) from 9:45-7am. No wake ups in the middle.
I needed that sleep. I feel like because of a full nights sleep I can
get up and conquer things today. I love talking aloud to you at 3am but
last night I knew I just needed to sleep. It's raining hard down
here in the valley this morning. We are suppose to get snow by evening.
I should go get gas for the snow blower this morning so that I have it
ready when I need to use it. Going to fold my mountain of cloths and
get the house cleaned up so that when I head to Washington Wednesday
morning it's not a worry to me. I love you, I miss you so much. Today is going to be a better day, I can feel it.
I
need to write this down somewhere that I can keep it always: I know
your sister might think I'm losing my mind and I dont know if she'll
understand but this experience meant so much to me.
so you
always would lay in bed with me and play songs, all kinds. sometimes
the whole song, sometimes just a line or two. You would typically tell
me how/why this particular song stuck in your head and what it meant to
you. I was not so knowledgeable about music and use to tell you to play ones I knew :) I've had a pretty shitty week, very emotional and lost feeling.
This morning, I'm getting the suitcase out and putting items of yours
in it that will go to Jason or to your family that also live up there
and the song "I'm leaving on a jet plane" came into my head, which made
me smile, because it felt like you knew what i was doing and that I was
leaving on a trip.....but then I realized its only just the line that
says. " so Kiss me, and smile for me. tell me that you'll wait for me,
hold me like you'll never let me go" just that line, over and over
again. I stopped and smiled and tears quietly fell from my eyes down my
cheeks. it was a song you knew I knew and loved and it was a song you
sang to me each time you headed to the truck. This pressure and
warmth hit my chest and I knew I felt your presence behind me I knew you
were here in the house with me and so I told you how much I missed you
and how sad I've been. I told you how hard this was. I felt you tell my
mind that you know I am hurting. you told me you loved me and that I
was going to get through this, that I just needed to keep holding on.
you told me you would be with me always. tears havent stopped since that moment, but i wanted to tell you how amazing you are and thank you for that.
It was so amazing to have that after the hard week I've had. I needed it!
I've
started typing to you every day for a week only to delete it half way
through because it's brought on tears. But today since there are many
tears anyway I figured I would type. I want to call you or text you so
bad and I've turned to talk to you on the couch only to realize you
aren't there. I had a blast in Washington celebrating Jason and just
want to tell you all about it. I put a tree up yesterday and then I sat and cried because it was just another thing that's changed.
Neil Diamond is coming to SLC, and while that commercial was playing I
was singing along to sweet Caroline and when they got to the part that
the audience does the bum bum bum I started to cry. You used to sing
that part right into my ear every time we heard it. And all at once I
knew that would've been a concert we would've gone to. I turned to the
couch under the window and you weren't there to tell it to. I am
trying so hard to be happy and interact with family and friends but it's
just so hard. No one wants to see me cry because it makes them so
uncomfortable, so I plaster on the fake smile and keep the tears to
myself in the safety of the house. It's just easier to stay home from
things/activities anymore. I just miss "us"
It's
been 87 days without you. Really had a hard day yesterday. Just
needed your voice. I played the two videos with your voice on replay
most the afternoon. Finally passed out from exhaustion sometime after
midnight. I keep to myself and trying not to share on Facebook how my
world really is because I'm tired of the comments from people that have
no clue what grief is like for a spouse. Especially a spouse that got
so little time. I feel cheated that I didn't get more time with you.
Everyone has moved on and I feel like I'm stuck in a black hole waiting
to wake up from this nightmare and have you come home. I want to
scream and yell at people and make them hurt too. I'm tired of being
strong and I'm tired of "doing well" and I'm tired of being fine when
all I feel inside is lost and empty. It's not getting easier like
people say. Only a few in your family keep up with me and know how I'm
really doing. John still calls about once a week and just chats. We
laugh and cry and just allow each other to feel our loss. He has been
working with a cardiologist having his heart checked and doing what
needs done to stick around for awhile. Only Kris and Joel check in
every now and then from Oregon. And of course Nikki and I both write
here and talk and text. I hear from your mom on Instagram and on
occasion text, but I'm tired of hearing about Jehovah's plan and the
hope.... that's not good enough for me. The congregation has all but
disappeared from my life unless I reach out for something. I struggle
with what I believe right now, and where death fits into it all. I'm just lost and could use your level-headed wise words about now. I hate feeling like I'm in limbo.
This
week I feel like I've been pushed back to the bottom of this hole and
as I try climbing the walls are caving in. Had an emotional day, lots
of tears. I didn't know it was possible to miss someone so much that
you physically ache all over.
well
today has been a bit better. I welcome the emotional break. I'm
relaxing tonight and have tomorrow off. I've got quite a bit on my
plate tomorrow. 1st, cleaning is must, I've put it off way to long.
I'm getting things ready for my launch party on saturday. Mom is
having her team retirement lunch, so the whole family has been invited
to join them at Olive Garden. I wish you were here to go with me. I love you with my whole being. I miss you more than there are words to express.
Thinking
about you lots this morning and missing you. Today is 90 days.... a
full three months. I really just want to lay here in our bed and if I
didn't have so much that had to meet deadline today I would do just
that. Maybe it will just be a half day. Wish you were here. I
am listening to the winds howl outside and enjoying this storm we are
getting. I know the mountains are getting hit hard with snow while we
are enjoying rain and clear roads. Washington has actually had more snow
then we've had this year so far. Love you and missing you so much it hurts.
we
got a decent storm today. you would be working Alta tonight because I'm
sure they are busy now. I came home early as expected and the snow was
sticking to the driveway and sidewalks and is suppose to go all night
long. so I made my way to the shed to check for gasoline for the snow
blower and noticed you have two gas cans with gas ( reg and half/half)
for all the little machines and gadgets that make life easier (lawn
mower, weed eater...etc) all of a sudden it hit me that
i have no idea what kind of gas goes to the snow blower that i'm going
to need to use by morning. I walked into the house to try calling Steve
but he didnt answer and I sat on the couch and just cried. cried
because you took care of this stuff, its not my job! finally pulled it
together long enough to text your boss Kim and ask (since he has said
many many times to call or let him know when i need anything) he
called right back and had me send him a picture of the blower so he
could answer my question correctly... evidently its reg gas by the way.
tomorrow is my Scentsy party here at the house. I'm excited for it.
You would be hating it right now because there is scentsy stuff
everywhere right now. well dinner is almost here, I decided I wasnt
cooking tonight so I ordered pizza. just going to take it easy
tonight and hope for a better day tomorrow. I miss you so unbearably much. I am forgetting your voice and your touch and the thought of forgetting stresses me out. I love you Mr. Clark, so much!
Having
a great morning and plan on having a great day. I slept great even
though i was awake at 3, but I feel rested. You are still very much on
my mind but today it's with big smiles. I have energy to get stuff
accomplished for the first time since you died. So I'm up and cleaning
and shoveling walk ways (cuz the snow we were suppose to get didn't hit
in the valley-so not enough to pull out the blower.) I love you so much. My heart is so full and aware of how much you love me. ~forever my always.
Hey
my love. Just thinking about you and our many trips and outings we
would squeeze in where we could between your crazy schedule.
Bringing smiles to my face today. Sure miss your voice and your texts.
That's the part that seems to hurt the most. Not talking to you and
hearing you respond. Talked to John for about 20 minutes
yesterday. He checks in about twice a month with me and we just talk.
It's so great still having that connection with him. Saw an idea on
a friends page and one day when I am ok with it I might do it too.
She took her husbands shirts and made them into pillows for her kids to
snuggle with. I might leave the sleeves on one for me to be able to
feel your arms around me. To just pick the best shirt for that
now...... Working half day today and off tomorrow. Then Christmas
this weekend. Just a different feel this year without you. I've
Invited john to swing by this weekend to visit and we will probably talk
about you. 😝 Oh I miss you honey, so much!
It's 2:20 and I've been awake since 12:44 in tears. I dreamt of you
and when you left my dream I woke up and called out to you. I can't
make the tears stop tonight. I just want you here. I had almost a full
week of good days, and I guess it was time for some more tears. I
am sitting in the chair next to the bed because the thought of another
night in our bed alone is overwhelming. I might move to the couch or
spare room. I just took some zquil to try getting back to sleep since I
have the day off tomorrow and can sleep in. Why God, why my
husband? Why Don? I want answers I want to know! It's not fair. I spent
16 years being single and life was finally happy and good again only to
have him ripped away from me. It's not fair and I'm pissed off because
of it. Oh sweetheart, I just want you back.
You've
been on my mind a lot these days. I don't know if it's just the
holidays? I know that you didn't really celebrate, but yet would get
into gift giving with me. Today marks 14 weeks, and actually as I'm
typing this I realize it's 14 weeks to the minute I received the news
you were no longer with us. So much is different this season.
Gift giving is just harder, i don't feel the same giddiness I use to in
past years. I'm actually dreading family time tomorrow and Sunday. Everyone will be celebrating WITH their family and that hurts.
I'm struggling with going into 2017, and even though this isn't logical
I feel sad because I'm entering a new year without you. It almost
feels like I'm leaving you behind in 2016. It doesn't make sense but
that's where the emotions are. They are here In The office
actually working on our heat. I took a picture and want so much to text
you and tell you all about our Christmas miracle. It actually smells
like heat in here today. I can't believe that it's been 14 weeks.
It's gone so fast, yet other days it has gone by so slow. Most days
still have tears, not full out bawling sessions, but tears will stream
as I remember something and then I'm ok for the day. The deep grief
cries I try hard to keep at home when I can. My back tire keeps
going flat, I think I hit a nail. I have to go in and get that fixed
today and I'm just pissed off that it's another thing I don't have you
around to help with and calm my head. I wish there were more words
to describe how badly I miss you. I still talk to you daily out loud
in the house. Oh how I wish life was different. I love you~ always
have, always will.
Merry
Christmas babe! Looked out the window today and we finally got a big
storm. The angle I was looking outside I smiled because the picture
below is the image that came to my mind. This picture was taken in
January. You never knew I took these, you hated your picture taken so
much. 😉 Today I get to bundle up and clear the walks and driveway myself. Sitting on the couch trying to decide if I like it where I put it. Decided last night I was going to move furniture around. Tv is going to go
Over in the corner by the window. Moving some things around from the
walls too. Making the room mine now. Next project ( I'm thinking over
New Years) is to finally white wash the fireplace. Visited with
Steve and Andrea the other day, it's the first time he's been ready to
talk since you died. He has a picture that he wants me to have, it's
one that hung in the Kingdom Hall when you guys were young. It's a
gorgeous one of ships on the water and I'm trying to find a great spot
for it. He acquired it from his moms house before you died and it was
always meant to go to you. Missing you so much this morning. No
one to make breakfast for, no one to send out in the cold so that I can
get to my Uncle Gary's this afternoon for our annual visit with David.
It's just such a crummy day. (Weather and emotionally). Going to finish moving things around and then lay on the couch watching tv. Love you always! ~forever my always
This is not a normal reaction is it?
just hearing the news that Debbie Reynolds died just 1 day after her
daughter.... my heart is screaming "why the hell am I still here, I want
to be with my sweetheart". I'm not going to do something stupid
but my heart is broken again and every emotion just came back to the
surface after such a good day too. Ok time for a glass of hot coco and an early to bed I think.
Well
tonight I pulled in my big girl pants and took myself out to dinner.
Not the pick up and go back home type, but I am sitting at sizzler where
we enjoyed going and just had a steak, potatoes and brocolli with half
boxed and ready to go home for tomorrow. I am sitting here with a few
tears in my eyes playing on my phone/ eating and thinking of you and
really missing our date nights. Ok, just got home, had to leave
when I felt a panic/anxiety attack hitting. Hard sobs all the way home,
and some very deep breaths. But, that first is done and for the most part, I could do it again.
well
today is the first day of 2017, and you wont see a single day of it.
Today has been a harder day then I expected. I was in bed early last
night and woke up to the neighbors banging on their pots and pans and
whistles. I was able to go back to sleep until about 4. I've been awake
since. Football has been on all day (not on our tv, but scheduled) Both Seahawks and Bronos had good days. I've rearranged the kitchen a little, we will see how it works for me before making
more changes. The Fridge and microwave cart is now over on the wall
shared with the living room and the table is up against where the fridge
was. I'm loving it so far. Now to figure out how to take the water
line off the baseboard. Its just an eyesore and I dont have a fridge
with an icemaker. I'm building a fridge surround to give it a more
built in look. I've decluttered quite a bit of stuff. things are
just in the storage shed for now and will either go on KSL or to
goodwill in the spring. I've also picked a new paint color for the
kitchen. It will now be Gray and White. I have patches of gray on
three of the walls so that I can see it in different lights and shadows.
I imagine it will get painted in the next two weeks. I know you loved
the blue, but its looking outdated and old so its time for an upgrade.
I'll be putting beadboard on the cabinet doors to update the look
there too. I wish you were here to help with the decisions, i am
feeling guilty making the decisions on my own. eventually, I'm
getting a new stove and fridge, but those are down the road a little
bit. next weekend, Matt is coming to help me move the spare bed to
the other back bedroom. It will be a small guest room, and allow me to
use the bigger room for an office. Lots of changes going on in the
house right now, but necessary changes to make the home completely mine.
oh how i miss you. this new life really really sucks. I'd give anything to have you here with me.
I'm already tired of hearing "its a new year, look at all the
possibilities ahead of you, dont look back" and the list goes on and on
and on... people need to just shut up. they dont get it. we've moved
into a year you'll never see and I'm not ok with that. I love you
Hi
my love, having quite an emotional morning. Went through a basket of
clothes that I had sat aside for goodwill and to pull some of your socks
and underwear out that a neighbor boy of my moms could use and pulled
up a pair of the big dog boxers you wore ALL the time that I hated and I
seriously started to cry, big ugly cry OVER UNDERWEAR! It's the
funniest thing now, but Needless to say they are back in my room, that
one stupid pair. It's an indication to me that I'm not
going through your main cloths right now. Lots of changes at the
house and doing some decluttering at the same time. I'm sure its all
just overwhelming for my heart today. I really could use a Donnie hug
today. I miss your touch and your not so gentle way of telling me to
suck it up and it will be fine. It's so weird making big decisions
about changing rooms and decor and stuff without your input, and I know
you would be glad that I was making the house my own but it's still
weird. The whole time we were painting the fireplace I kept expecting
you to walk through the door wanting to know what we were doing.
Going back to classes Monday, time to add that back into my schedule.
It will give me something to focus on in the evenings again. Oh honey, I miss you with every fiber of my body, every second of every day. Always, me
I
hate this I hate this I hate this! I want to talk to you so bad. I
miss my best friend so much. I miss laughing with you, and I miss the
smile you would flash me when I walked in the door. Sitting here
at work with tears streaming down my face, this hasn't hit at work for a
few weeks and not sure what triggered it today. I just need you to tell me it's ok. That I can do this without you.
Trying
so hard to not jump on the anniversary train, but my mind started
preparing a few days back I think. Today is 4 months! Seems like
yesterday, yet seems like forever all at once. And according to
Facebook memories, 3 years since my dad's heart attack. I'm really
hating today, and filled with anger. You didn't get a second chance
like my dad did and I'm a bit bitter because of it. Not that i wish my
dad didn't make it, but just pissed off at your doctor today. Trying
to smile, and going to try to keep busy today. It hit last night and
about two hours of hard crying I realized I needed to take something to
make me sleep or I was going to be a bigger mess. Tears are flowing
still this morning, but nothing a tissue can't fix. I really could use
your hugs, and a kiss telling me it's alright, that we're in this
together. Today I'm staying in and away from people, going to work
on another room In The house, getting it organized and put together. I
want to believe you can see it, that you are still around in your own
way. It helps me sometimes. Otherwise talking aloud to you just makes
me look a little like a crazy woman. I have some fun stuff coming
up, little trips and I'm looking forward to them. Going to take some of
your things to the Oregon family. I miss you so very much, I
wish there were words to explain how badly this hurts. How in the
biggest crowd I still feel your absence. You had such a way of making
me feel like I was the most important person in the room. I miss your
touch, and your voice. This just sucks! ~Always my forever~
Hey
you, been thinking of you lots today. I have had two boxes of
furniture pieces that have needed put together for two weeks now and
today I finally decided since you weren't going to do it I guess I
would, so I now have a nightstand in my room that fits the tall bed and a
printer cart to put in the office. I used your drill and followed
instructions that were not in English. Kept thinking how you'd have
these done in just a matter of an hour maybe 1.5, me: well I got it
done in about an hour for the nightstand and 3 for the cart. But I
didn't quit and I did it myself. I'm kinda feeling proud of myself and I
know you'd be proud too. I know I don't talk to you in here often anymore, but I do talk to your picture at home every day.
I have a dog at the house now and I've been amazed how much better I am
sleeping. And sleeping all night again. Our home doesn't seem as
empty for me anymore. Even though you didn't really want a big dog, I
think you would've really loved her. I talk to John at least once a
week still.... and I have John going to start coming to stay every
Saturday night here. Being in town one 1night a week he decided to get
rid of his apt and save money . He was going to just live in his
truck at the flying J when he was in town. He will be giving me money
to help with the house and food for when he is in town. He will have
the spare room and use of the storage shed for his stuff. I just
couldn't be ok with his living in the truck. It's just him, no Rachel
or boys. I'm sure it will fine, but we are going to give it a couple
months to try this out. I have a fold out bed in the office for when
your mom or anyone comes up. I have a scentsy convention tomorrow
and I'm so excited to be going with Tammy. I'm excited to really get
this business off the ground and making extra income for me.
Anyway handsome, that's what's happening in my world. I miss you daily
and think of you every minute of every day. You are forever my always.
I love you so much
It's
now 2am and I've been awake for about 30 minutes. Struggling this
morning and not entirely sure why. It's been awhile since I have had a
sleepless night and this morning I can't make the tears stop. None of
this is fair!
Don, having a lot of sadness and a million other emotions this morning as I am waking up.
We didn't do valentines, and I didn't care much for my own birthday....
but you went all out for my birthday every year (overboard really) and
tomorrow being my birthday, I am very aware that I haven't had you
dropping hints and being bothered that I'm not trying to guess what you
are doing this year. My boss has even stated she has missed your phone
calls to plan the perfect surprise while
I am at work. I am also feeling a lot of guilt that I am getting
another birthday and you didn't. I am very aware that it's not logical
to have this line of thoughts, but it has eaten at me all weekend. I am
going to try to keep busy today. I am building shelves for the office
and cleaning out the closets in the other rooms. These really
sucky bad days are far and few between now, they definitely hit when
important days come up. I am experiencing a really sucky day last
night-today. I'll just be home in my Jammie's today. I have days
where it's a few tears in the evening or during the day when a Memory
pops into my head and then I move on with my day. And I have good days,
where I smile at a memory, and I laugh and can call it a good day,
those are getting more frequent and I am so grateful for those. I am
coming up on 5 months without you, I can't believe it's been that long
but in the same breath it has gone by kinda fast. God, I miss you
so much! I miss the way you made me feel like the most beautiful lady
on the earth, and made me feel like I I could do anything. I feel like I
am starting to forget your voice, and I miss your touch. You had a way
of just hugging all my worry away and making me feel safe. God knows I
could use one of those hugs about now. Just feeling really really empty
right now.
Hey,
seems like it's been awhile. Been thinking of you and just plugging
through day by day. I've fallen out of my routine and I need to get
back into one soon so that I can have a clean house again. I just have
clutter everywhere it seems. Went and had taxes done by Linda love
(LL cool tax lady) as you called her. After three years of paying, We
finally saw a refund this year. (Both fed and state) I started laughing
and told Linda I just needed you to not work the whole last quarter of
the year. Lol. We giggled for a long time over that. Anyway, keeping it short today but just know that you are still a constant on my mind and I miss you terribly.
