Sunday, April 23, 2017

7th month

This has been a month of changes, and changes equal emotional melt downs.  
I have to go through a probate process to get my name on the house.  I made the appointment with an attorney that I spent months researching and he has been great to work with so far.   They day I went in to get the court order stating that I was legally allowed to take care of Dons estate was tough.  I cried all the way home with that piece of paper on the passenger seat next to me. 
I have started to go through items in the shed so that I can pack up the items going to his family,  even though its the things that have absolutely no memory attached for me, its still his things and its hard. Some moments it feels like I'm "getting rid of him"  and others it ok.   its an emotional roller coaster. 

I miss him.   I dont have words to express how much I miss him. I sill experience a roller coaster of emotions.  I will have several days of good days and then I crash and cant seem to catch my breath again.  I want so much to talk to him and have him answer back, and to offer his input on decisions that I am making.  
I dont express myself as well as he did with words, and lately I've found myself working through my emotions with songs.  I now have a whole playlist on my phone that I play every night.  they are songs that meant something to him and to me and to us as a couple.   it has really helped to calm my mind and heart at night.   Listening to music was something we did together at night while we talked and caught up on happenings in each others life. 

I am starting to get into a routine at night now.   it doesnt always work, but I'm trying.   I struggle with motivation mainly, its getting better. 

 I've got a trip planned next month, and its one I've been looking forward to for the last two months.  I will get to see Dons family and hopefully I will be able to heal a little more.   I am so excited for this trip.  its helped to have something to look forward to. 

what I've learned in 7 months so far:
Grief is ugly, and it is so unpredictable.   Its frustrating and its slow and its hard!
keeping busy doesnt always work, it just postpones the inevitable and your body figures out how to grieve and it doesnt care when or where it will do it. (usually the most inconvenient time and place)

overall, I think I'm doing ok.  

Sunday, April 2, 2017

the stuff

I've started going through Dons  stuff I had tucked away.     It's all so hard to sort through and hard to get rid of.    It feels like you are "getting rid" of the person and It occured to me why I've avoided going through the clothes part and why it's so much harder then everything else.     A part of me still is waiting for him to come home from work, to walk through that back door and of course when he does, he will need those clothes.  Not logical I know... but this is how my mind works these days.  
For me personally, My plan is that I will make a quilt with some of his clothes which will go on my bed.   some will go to his family, and others to a young man that lives in my parents neighborhood that is in need.

Don was very into music and used songs to express his thoughts to me.  So today while going through things, it was like Pandora was channeling songs from him.   Song after song reminded me of times we would lay in bed and he would play me songs (mostly snippets of songs) and would tell me why he liked that song, or how he interpreted the songs message.   I stopped cleaning more than once to write the song down so I could go back and save it in my music library.

Tonight I am taking a break after working through two full rooms.  I am so thankful for family that comes and helps move the big stuff that I can't lift on my own.  This weekend, we tackle the shed outside.