Sunday, April 23, 2017

7th month

This has been a month of changes, and changes equal emotional melt downs.  
I have to go through a probate process to get my name on the house.  I made the appointment with an attorney that I spent months researching and he has been great to work with so far.   They day I went in to get the court order stating that I was legally allowed to take care of Dons estate was tough.  I cried all the way home with that piece of paper on the passenger seat next to me. 
I have started to go through items in the shed so that I can pack up the items going to his family,  even though its the things that have absolutely no memory attached for me, its still his things and its hard. Some moments it feels like I'm "getting rid of him"  and others it ok.   its an emotional roller coaster. 

I miss him.   I dont have words to express how much I miss him. I sill experience a roller coaster of emotions.  I will have several days of good days and then I crash and cant seem to catch my breath again.  I want so much to talk to him and have him answer back, and to offer his input on decisions that I am making.  
I dont express myself as well as he did with words, and lately I've found myself working through my emotions with songs.  I now have a whole playlist on my phone that I play every night.  they are songs that meant something to him and to me and to us as a couple.   it has really helped to calm my mind and heart at night.   Listening to music was something we did together at night while we talked and caught up on happenings in each others life. 

I am starting to get into a routine at night now.   it doesnt always work, but I'm trying.   I struggle with motivation mainly, its getting better. 

 I've got a trip planned next month, and its one I've been looking forward to for the last two months.  I will get to see Dons family and hopefully I will be able to heal a little more.   I am so excited for this trip.  its helped to have something to look forward to. 

what I've learned in 7 months so far:
Grief is ugly, and it is so unpredictable.   Its frustrating and its slow and its hard!
keeping busy doesnt always work, it just postpones the inevitable and your body figures out how to grieve and it doesnt care when or where it will do it. (usually the most inconvenient time and place)

overall, I think I'm doing ok.  

Sunday, April 2, 2017

the stuff

I've started going through Dons  stuff I had tucked away.     It's all so hard to sort through and hard to get rid of.    It feels like you are "getting rid" of the person and It occured to me why I've avoided going through the clothes part and why it's so much harder then everything else.     A part of me still is waiting for him to come home from work, to walk through that back door and of course when he does, he will need those clothes.  Not logical I know... but this is how my mind works these days.  
For me personally, My plan is that I will make a quilt with some of his clothes which will go on my bed.   some will go to his family, and others to a young man that lives in my parents neighborhood that is in need.

Don was very into music and used songs to express his thoughts to me.  So today while going through things, it was like Pandora was channeling songs from him.   Song after song reminded me of times we would lay in bed and he would play me songs (mostly snippets of songs) and would tell me why he liked that song, or how he interpreted the songs message.   I stopped cleaning more than once to write the song down so I could go back and save it in my music library.

Tonight I am taking a break after working through two full rooms.  I am so thankful for family that comes and helps move the big stuff that I can't lift on my own.  This weekend, we tackle the shed outside.

Thursday, March 16, 2017

6 Months

6 months = 1/2 year = 181 days = 25 1/2 week = 4344 hours = 260640 minutes

I would like to tell you it has gotten easier.  There are certainly days that I can smile through the hole 
in my heart and put on the brave face.   I've enjoyed a solid two weeks without total melt downs, just minor tears as a moment hits me so I knew that a tidal wave of grief was coming.
yesterday morning a wall of grief hit hard.  I teared up several times at work, but managed to pull it together to get through my half day.  I cried all the way home.
My mind replayed every detail about our last evening together.   You had texted me while I was driving hom and told me you weren't feeling well, but wanted to go out to dinner.   I got home and we went out to applebees to eat.   we talked and laughed and enjoyed our night out.  Once home we watched some tv, joked around, played some games all before going to bed for the night.   I slept in the spare room knowing you were not feeling well and this would allow you to sleep through the night.   This is my one regret.  so many tears and sobbing (the i cant breathe kind)

                so today, I will be at work, I will try to keep busy and just survive.  

I cant believe it has been 6 months. Time seems to have flown by, yet at the same time it has stood still. if that makes any sense at all.   I've been awake for the last couple of hours, unable to sleep.    I'm not sure how today will play out, but the goal is to just really put the earphones in and block out everything. I just have to figure out what I will be listening to... most music is pretty much out, out of audio books right now..... Today is definitely not going to be a good day.  Its been awhile since I've had a really hard day, but i've got this.  just have to make it through 9 hours of work and then home to curl up on the couch for the night.  

It really sucks that you are the person I want to call when I am having a rough night.  you are the one I want to wrap your arms around me and tell me its all ok.  You are the one I just want to comfort me.  I hate this new life, I hate everything about this.      

I miss you so much.  there are not enough words to express how true those 5 words are.   Forever my Always! 

Sunday, March 5, 2017


It's 3:30am and I've been awake for an hour and a half.  Ive tossed, turned, gotten a drink of water... cleaned up dog throw up and still can't get back to sleep.   Not emotional, no tears, just wide awake.  This is a side of grief that sucks.
I am however grateful it's Sunday and I can take a nap or sleep in once I do fall back asleep.
Nothing really to share, just thought I would type here while I was awake.

Friday, March 3, 2017

24 weeks today

Its Friday, and that means today marks 24 weeks without the love of my life. 
just a couple weeks from marks 6 months. (March 16th)   I am not even there yet, but already struggling with the 6 month mark.  I hate feeling weak, and I hate crying in front of people.  I have gotten better at putting on the big smile and making people believe i'm doing great.  
I struggle sometimes with remembering that its ok to not be strong all the time. 
I am starting to have multiple days in a row that are good days.  Days that I can smile through memories and thoughts, and days that I can laugh while sharing a story or two. 
I treasure those days, because I know that the bad days are still around and will hit at any moment.  some days are a mix of the two emotions. 

Thursday, March 2, 2017

Grief gets physical

a lesson I've learned quickly while on this grief journey is that Grief is not just emotional.  Grief has many physical downfalls too.     a fellow widow posted this article to our widows/widowers facebook group and it listed just some of the physical things that happen.

For me personally,   I've experienced both insomnia and excess sleep.  I've been sick more than normal,  extreme headaches, and my food intake is all over the board (either not at all, or nothing but eating anything in site-and not usually healthy).    I've lost motivation and most days come home and lay on the couch or sit in my chair and just stare into space or at the tv. 
The physical side of grief seems to enhance the emotional side.   You are weakened from not sleeping, or headaches, or being sick and the emotions kick into overdrive, which then makes you more tired, headaches worse.  It really is a horrible cycle
I started to realize I had to make a change, and asked my boss to adjust my schedule.  I was working 4 tens, and on the day off I found that I would lay in bed until 1 or 2pm because I was having emotional breakdowns or just couldnt get moving. I'd get up in the afternoon and move to the couch.  so I asked to change my schedule so that I had a reason to get up in the morning.     Now I typically have just one day of the weekend that I struggle. 

today is a minor emotional day.  a few tears fill the eyes, and i have a little headache. It was a beautiful day and as I drove home I kept looking up into the mountains.   Don loved being in the mountains during the ski season.  he loved sending pictures to me from the top of the canyon.    I miss our crazy weekly schedule. I remember feeling like a single person during the winter and thinking how much I hated it.   I didnt want to be single, I wanted the marriage and the companionship.   Now that I am a single person this winter I can say, I hate it. I'd give anything to have our crazy life back.    I miss stealing a quick 2 minute phone call in between runs or driving to the airport to take him a sandwich while he waited for passengers. 

I miss Don more than words could express.   not a day goes by that I dont think of him, and want to talk to him.   I miss my best friend.   
to all of you that have chosen to read and share this journey will me, THANK YOU.  In a time that my world has been turned upside down, Its so nice to have my friends and family that have chosen to stay close and help drag my butt out of my house once in awhile.

Wednesday, March 1, 2017

for those that are joining me on this journey.  I wanted to give you an idea of how I do this.   I typically write TO Don, it makes me feel like I am talking to him directly.   I do tend to write more when I am having a rough day, only because those seem to be the days I need to talk to him the most.   so on that note.... its been a couple of good days. 

Its been a good day today, and the last couple of days actually.
I had the house measured for new windows this morning.  Its not going to cost as much as we had originally thought.   It will take a couple of weeks to get them ordered and in, and then just need to set up a date to install them.   I'm so excited to have that checked off the list of home repair.  I am also excited to see how different it makes heating/cooling the house.  no more plastic on the windows.
I think furnace and insulation is next.  anything else is cosmetic  (paint and organization)
I need to start going through the shed and garage.  Some of those things are going to Oregon this summer to your brothers and family.  I dont want to push it to last minute, so I need some decent weather for a small stretch.  I am going to have my family help go through it so that maybe it wont feel so overwelming.
This year on the anniversary of your death... the American Heart Walk will happen in Sugarhouse park.  I will have a team walking with me that day.  I cant think of a better way to celebrate you.  not sure what else I will do to honor you, but I have a few months to think of things.
not tons to tell you today, but wanted to write when it was a good day for a change.  Need to get the house cleaned up so that I can enjoy the rest of the week.
always my forever.  Love you so much ~ Ginny