Monday, February 27, 2017

The last 5 1/2 months

Its been awhile since I wrote on my blog. a lot has happened.
For those that are friends on Facebook, you already know... others, why are we not friends on Facebook or Instagram?
 Don passed away September 16, 2016 at about 8:00 am, shortly after arriving to work for the day.
 we had spoken that morning, enjoyed our typical morning banter. I kissed him and then I headed to work. We texted once he pulled into work, and he was still "whining" about the morning (which was normal for him). and just 30-40 minutes later I was getting the worst call ever.

 I had been writing on his facebook and mine, and tired quickly of hearing the negative comments *that I wont go into here* and so I changed the settings on his facebook which allowed me to write directly to him, and i was the only one to see it. now, 5 months later, I'm hearing people that wish I'd share more of my thoughts.... I was under the impression I could go back later and print it out from Facebook, but I can't, so I will be transferring some of the posts here. so If you don't want to go backwards and read those posts, skip the rest of this first post.
 just know that going forward, this is where I will write my feelings and what I'm experiencing as I navigate this rough world of widowhood. so if reading my emotions and experiencing my ups and downs is not your thing, dont click on my link to my blog. I will not be apologizing for what I feel or what I write. My posts will be raw, and it wont be for everyone.

ok: skip to the next post, the rest of this will be old posts from facebook.


September 16, 2016 · Midvale · My heart is broken today. I received the devastating news that my husband of 3 years, 11 months passed away at work this morning. It's been a nightmare today and I'm slowly processing it all. We froze Facebook tagging until the family was contacted, which has been done now. We don't have details of services yet but will post more as we get it all figured out. I'm sure going to miss this man. I'm on and off Facebook depending on how I am at the moment.....I have read every message and I love you all

 September 21, 2016 · Writing came easy..... Seeing it in print though ...... Whoa, wasn't ready for that reaction. What a handsome face that is though. Sure miss that half smirk a lot.

September 23, 2016 · Midvale ·
Warning... Emotional post. 7 days/168 hours without you, without your touch, without hearing your voice. Yesterday was hard for me. I spent the day replaying Thursday last week because it's the last full day we had. Lots of tears and a few smiles. I'm so grateful we took the chance to go out for dinner even though you were so tired and not feeling great. I can't remember any of our conversation, I just know we were together. I loved our nights out, loved seeing you smile at me. Loved the teasing, loved the goofy jokes... This time last week, I kissed you and told you to have a good day, you grunted (because it was 6am) And I left for work. I have your last text to me telling me you arrived at the warehouse and we're ready for your day. It's the last time we spoke in any form. It's been a lot of "had I known, shoulda, woulda, coulda" this week. Lots of tears and lots of smiles remembering how amazing you are. Your mom and sister arrived right after you left, your dad and family from Oregon arrived last night. This morning is hard. Tears won't stop. I miss you so much. I'd give anything to have you here. I hate that everyone is here and you are not. All your clothes are washed and your scent is gone from them. We have all the pictures printed and ready for tomorrow. Program planned and everything ready. You would be hating the attention being on you right now. Oh honey, how am I suppose to do this without you. You were the level headed one keeping me from over reacting. I need you here. I want you here!

 October 7, 2016 · Midvale · It's been 21 days now, since you went away. And while the tears don't flow nightly anymore, they still flow often and typically without warning. The heartache caused from missing you is very much there. I still wake most nights and reach over to your side of the bed. We have most of our conversations at that time. I am sleeping better though. I try to keep a positive outlook on life without you in it and most days I do pretty good at it. I miss you every single minute of every day. I am so grateful you were mine for the years we had. I love you handsome!

Ginny Clark celebrating our anniversary with Don A Clark.
Missing you today, what would've been our 4th wedding anniversary. I took the day off months ago, so that we could spend it together, SO instead, today I'm going to enjoy some ME time, Pedicure, a little shopping, and then I'm having our Anniversary Dinner of Olive Garden (pick up orders are great) and watching chick flicks tonight (popcorn for dessert-thank you for your gift of the new popcorn maker) I love you so very much, and even though you are not physically here, you are very much here with me today, and every day.

October 14, 2016 · Salt Lake City ·
4 weeks today! All I can manage to say is this.

October 16, 2016 · Midvale ·
One full month today. Sleep escapes me again tonight and while I lay here listening to the wind I'm thinking of you again. (Still)
Emotions seem more raw and more at the surface now than a month ago. Tears flow quicker. Still I smile when I hear or say your name.
Life has gone on around me, and I'm still going through motions of work and home and school with a few outside activities thrown into the mix. I put on a smile and plug through,Trying to find my new normal.
I miss you so much, it hurts to breathe sometimes.
I've been trying to find some positives (like lower utility bills 😉, house stays cleaner, less laundry) but truth is..... I'd rather pick up another glass or bowl you left out for the 100th time, or pay higher utilities any day of the week if it meant you were here.
Love you hubby.

October 19, 2016 ·
day #33: Today is a good day. Today the pain of not having you here is bearable. Of course its Wednesday and you were always out of town on Wednesdays, so in my mind, its just another normal day. I got to chat with Tammy at the warehouse today, they had a truck accident that closed the freeway down and I knew it would affect the driver coming in from Wendover, so I sent her the link. We chatted a bit and joked that of course it happened on Wednesday.
I worked this morning and then have been home going through bills and papers still trying to get somewhat organized. I've asked your opinion out-loud more than once and in my mind I can hear you say..."you do the finances, whatever you think is best". I hated that line when you were here, and now it just makes me smile remembering the times I would roll my eyes at you for saying it.
I changed some settings on your Facebook so that I could write to just you. I'm hoping this will help not only me, but the nieces and nephews that do see my posts and worry about Aunt Ginny more than is necessary. I reported your death to Facebook today too, they'll be changing this to a "in memory" page that I'll be able to download and print out later for my own keeping.
I'm off tomorrow and the first life insurance check is released from the banks hold so that I'll be able to pay off the debts in my name so I can get my credit score where it needs to be in order to keep the house. I'll get it there and you wont need to worry about me being ok. I WILL BE OK Handsome! just bear with me on the tears and frustration of you not being here a bit longer. I will get through this. You and I both know I can make it on my own, and I'll do it again.

words cant express how much I miss you. Its a weight sitting on my chest all the time. I need your advice on some of your things, so I'll be listening for you to tell me what i should do.
Don, I love you SO much and I'm SO glad you are mine forever!

October 20, 2016 · Midvale ·
Day 34: woke up at 2 with tears and started talking to you. I told you I was tired and I really just needed sleep. I felt you in the room, and plain as day I heard you tell my mind to just relax and close my eyes. You told me I would be ok. I told you I loved you, that I wished you were here. You said you loved me too and you are here right now and again told me to close my eyes. I did and suddenly felt peace and calm. I must've fallen asleep quickly because the next thing I know it's 7am. Thank you!
Getting ready to start my day and my mind feels clear and ready to go. I still miss you with every fiber of my body. I love you so much. All my love today, wifey

October 21, 2016 ·
day 35: I haven't forgotten you today. put in a full day at work and now finally relaxing at home. Today has not been too bad. Got a little emotional at lunch because I went down to the park where we used to meet for lunch. I've been ok since. Had a long text chat with Lynn today. I've been invited back to meetings again and I told her I just couldnt do it right now. I told her I've been really stuggling with beliefs. of course her response was that her and John could come help answer questions and help me understand, which I declined... I know what I feel vs what you believed is so different and I'm so confused. My experiences since your passing have been great and they've helped, but it goes against everything you believed about death and it lines up with mine , more. I feel you here with me when I'm at my lowest of lows, I've talked to you and I've felt you guiding can that be if the dead have no soul and are just sleeping, unaware of anything going on? see my dilemma? am I feeling this way because I want it so bad or is there more after death and the witnesses have it wrong? I dont even know where to turn for the answers because whatever church or leader I speak with will just give me more of their interpretation of the bible.
sorry, I could ramble on for days and never say anything more than what I just said.... you were always the more level headed and would listen to me ramble on about what I believed growing up, and you would share your beliefs and somehow just knowing we could both believe similar but so different and still co-exist was enough.

going to spend the day with Amanda and her boys tomorrow, she has no car and I've offered to get her to her boys and let them be together. she's really fallen on some tough times and has turned temp custody of the boys over to their dad.
just relaxing tonight, no business, no financial stuff... just a friday night with some pizza and a movie or tv show or whatever I find to watch.
I miss you, that will never change! Love you so very much!

October 22, 2016 ·
A Day, A Week, A Lifetime
Author Unknown
When I wake up in the morning
I ask myself
How will I get through this day
Without You

As I dress and prepare to start my day
I wonder
How will I go on
Without You
As the day slowly slips away
I remember how you made me laugh
And I smile
Without You
At the end of the day
As I prepare to close my eyes
I know in my HEART
I couldn't have gotten through the day
Without You

October 23, 2016 · Midvale ·
I really hate weekends! The world slows down, no work to get me out and interacting with others.... just me and the house and the few chores that need done for a household of 1. I'm really feeling your loss today handsome! The only noise in the house is the washing machine and my thoughts. I want to be angry at someone/something and that in itself is pissing me off! I need to go grab a few things at the store but I need to get my emotions in check first so that the poor unsuspecting cashier doesn't get yelled at for doing her job. So frustrating!

October 24, 2016 ·
My heart hurts today. I'm home sick today, which leaves a full day to my thoughts. I'm wrapped up on the couch in a blanket you bought for me and just really missing you. I actually picked up my phone to call you and realized i couldn't. its those moments that bring everything rushing back to me, and all of a sudden i could see you laying on the gurney covered with the blankets. ohhh this is so not how our life was suppose to happen. we had plans and goals we were working towards. My credit was almost where we needed it, so I could be added to the house.... we were just two weeks away from getting my name added to the Cyprus account....We were trying for a baby, and even had names all picked out.... we were planning a cruise for our next anniversary, and you were so excited and picking out travel routes and excursions....
I'm not only mourning you, I'm mourning the future plans and dreams that we will never get to do together. I hate this so much! I am tired of the brave "I've got this" face, but Its the only way I can get through the day. I'm tired of the fake smiles and the pleasantries...
I got invited to a baby shower for Jonathan and Lindy and I cried because that will never be us. The sad part is, I knew that the possibility of not having a baby was there but never imagined that it was because of death.
I hate cooking for one, but I need to get back on a schedule of better eating. I cant keep eating out or ordering in.
The weather is turning and I think its going to be time to turn off the outside water, I need to call John over because he said he would help with the water, then i need to cover the windows here pretty soon. This was always your department, so I'm trying hard to think of all the things you did to winterize. guess I'm going to really learn to use the snow blower this year, but should probably get with Steve on the right gas mixture. Once I know I can get the house loan over to my name, I'll look at getting new windows and a new furnace (that I'm hoping will make it through this winter)
I miss you so much!
 October 26, 2016 · Salt Lake City ·
Having a really rough morning! I miss you so much. I miss your breathing next to me, the way you'd sit up and flop down any time you had to turn over in bed. I miss morning breath kisses, and bringing you coffee in bed just so you could function in the morning. Everyone says this gets easier, when? When does this get easier? I need my level headed best friend to tell me his opinion. I want to hear your voice. I want to hold you and be with you. I know I CAN make a life on my own, but I don't want to. This isn't fair! I'm so mad, I just don't know who or what to be mad at. I need to go through that spare room, and get the house papers and other papers in order but I know that means cleaning and going through more of your stuff and I just don't want to put your stuff all away yet. I still need you in the house.
I have a meeting in 30 minutes and I need to pull myself together. I love you handsome.

October 28, 2016 · Midvale · (on my personal page)
Someone posted this in a widows group I'm a part of and it was just perfect. "Things will never be exactly "normal" again. Once we loose someone we love, things are not the same. But in time, we find a new normal. The rhythm of life resumes. The day to day begins again. And though the loss doesn't end, life does go forward. Time tempers the pain to a manageable dullness and we find joy in remembering. We find wholeness and acceptance."
Today marks 6 weeks. The time has moved both so slow and yet so fast. The day I lost Don is forever sketched in my head, yet I really don't remember much of that day. I remember finally being able to see him and finally realizing how real this was. That image will never leave me. I have many bad days, and those are hard. I've learned to put on a smile and get through those days (mostly)....But I choose to celebrate the good days and those are the ones I will post about. I think yesterday's post gave people the impression that I'm done grieving and that is so far from the truth. I love a great man that is no longer with me and I will grieve that loss for the rest of my life because I will not stop loving him. I do have good days and i am so grateful for those. They give me strength for the days that are harder. I have only had 1 night where I've slept through the night so far and I'm exhausted. But it's those hours I'm awake at night that I talk out loud to Don and work through a lot of emotions. Most nights I struggle because I know there is an empty side. Friday's are my hardest days, he died on a Friday and so Friday's are now a marker of time for me. When I'm off on Fridays I have to make a conscious effort to plan something that will get me up and moving. Today is a morning appointment. It's a daily struggle to put one step in front of the other alone, but I know I have to and I know Don would want me to.
Love you all and so grateful to everyone on this grief journey with me.
October 28, 2016 · Midvale · 6 weeks! I don't even know what to say today. I didn't sleep well or for long and I'm emotional this morning. I need to get up and moving so I can get my hair done. But I didn't want to start my day without talking to you and telling you how much I'm missing you. I haven't felt you around the last couple of days. Usually when I talk outloud to You I can hear your voice telling me what to do. Time seems to be going so quickly by me and I'm just going through the motions most days. I'm stuck in the "fake it till you make it" mindset. I've got some projects on my to do list so today while I'm off I think I will start chipping away at those. I love you with my whole heart, I hope you know that! I worry every day that I didn't show you enough, that I didn't tell you enough. And yet I know with every fiber of my being that you loved me so much. You told me all the time and you showed me with your actions. Please still be around, I'm not ready to do this on my own.

October 28, 2016 ·
I miss you more and more with each passing minute, I love you and wish you were here around me. I did not sleep well last night, i woke up about midnight and tossed and turned from then on. I had a rough morning getting up and going today. went in to see Andi for my hair appointment, right away she could tell it was a rough morning for me. She hugged me and told me she "got it", we had the salon to ourselves for the first hour. It was nice to just talk to my friend while she worked on my hair. we were able to talk about grief and loss and things people said while they were trying to "help" We talked about you and Ciera (her daughter) and had some shared tears. then the silliness started and we both cheered up.
Stopped by Lowes and got the supplies needed to change up the fireplace a little bit. I'm so excited to change the color and I hope you'll be ok with it. I'll start on that tomorrow.
grabbed me some lunch and went home. I laid down on the couch to watch some tv and ended up taking a nap which helped the headache that I've had for two days ease up a bit. hoping I'll be able to go to sleep tonight 
October 30, 2016 · Midvale ·
** warning Nik, its an emotional one***
My cousin Chris is getting married today at 3 and I want so much to be happy for them but all it's reminding of is that I don't have you by my side.
I'm paralyzed with sadness today, tears won't stop and I can't seem to crawl out of bed. You should be going to this wedding WITH me. I've had a hard weekend, not sure why this 6 week mark was so hard.
I accomplished absolutely nothing this weekend other than lay around and mope. I know I can't keep having days/weekends like this but I don't know how to climb out of my funk. I get mad, but all that does is bring on sadness again.
I must be getting good at faking it because at the truck r treat at my moms church I was told I looked happy. I felt like screaming at the poor lady who I didn't even know.
Anyway, I'm taking all your old publications to the Kingdom Hall today, Collin will take them and store them or use them for himself.
I've had them (some members of the congregation) show their true colors... acting all friendly, until I made it clear I wasn't interested in bible studies or attending and all communication stopped. I truly am just a number to them and that just pisses me off and makes it more and more clear that it's not the group for me.
I just feel lost! At least when I got divorced it was a choice I made and i had better ideas of what to expect.... sudden death is so not the same! I didn't choose this, I am just making stuff up as I go. I have lost loved ones but losing the love of my life is so different. So isolating and so hard. Everything just hurts all the time. I don't want to do this anymore. Just come back please, come and just hold me while I cry and tell me it's ok and just make life make sense again.
I'm so sorry I didn't push the doctor thing more, im sorry I didn't make you an appointment with someone different sooner, I'm so sorry I didn't sleep in the bed with you that last Thursday night when I was so exhausted I just wanted to sleep, I'm sorry, just so so sorry! I let you down and because of that, I lost you. I lost a whole future with you.
November 1, 2016 · Hi Handsome! had an ok day. One of the supervisors Tammy at work pulled me into her office today and we just talked. She wanted me to know that she really does "get" it and she wanted me to know that she knows that I'll have many bad days and I'll have break downs for many years... She shared that she lost her first husband 32 years ago today. She teared up talking about him and then after both of us are wiping tears away, she said, she was thinking of me and just really needed me to know that her office is always a safe place and that she felt I needed to know that I had someone there that actually understood the journey I'm on. It was rather refreshing to not have to hide behind a smile with her today.
today on the way home I picked up my phone to call for our 5 oclock phone call, and when it hit me that I couldnt do that, I tossed the phone to the passenger seat and cried. I havent done that since you passed and I'm not sure why tonight it was the one thing I wanted so badly.
I'm off tomorrow, and pretty determined to actually DO something rather than lay around and mope. I've got my list going and will be happy to accomplish some of that list.
Joined a couple of widow groups on facebook and its been nice talking to other women on this journey too. I'm learning quickly that there is no timeline for this and that its going to be a LONG trip.
sorry, a lot of rambling tonight. my thoughts are everywhere. Please be with me and somehow let me know you are here. I miss you so much and just really need to know I'm not alone. Love you

November 4, 2016 · Salt Lake City ·

I'm losing it today. Fridays are no longer good days. They are now a constant reminder of that shitty day you died. God I said it, you died-you didn't leave. That's the first time I've said it.
Sitting at work blubbering like a fool until I had to go let Tammy know I was stepping outside to my car. She just nodded and said go. I really need you to be here. I need to hear your voice, I need your touch, I just need you. I find myself pulling away from people because I can't understand why they get to move on and be happy while I'm stuck in this hell. I can't be happy for them, I'm so jealous of the new marriages, babies, every happy moment In Their life. I know rationally it's not fair for me to be that way but I'm inwardly so angry for what I've lost.
I keep being told how strong I am, how awesome I'm doing and it really just pisses me off. I hide my pain when I can, and keep it to myself mostly. I'm sharing happy memories on Instagram /Facebook to keep it upbeat. Thank god for the widows group and this page where I can vent and be angry and there is no judgment or people telling me that I'm young and I'll find someone new and I'll move on... etc. I just want to scream at them, don't they know I had the best, you aren't replaceable or something/someone to just get over. God I just need you here. Oh babe, I can't do this.

November 7, 2016 · Salt Lake City ·
Hi there. I haven't written you for a couple days. I never stopped thinking about you though. I still talk to you out loud in the house, and announce that I'm home every time I enter.
I had a decent weekend. We got the yard taken care of and I got the house done inside. Back at work today and have 20 minutes to go (finally).
It's crazy that this Friday is 8 weeks and the following Wednesday marks the two month mark.
I'm not waking up at 3am every night anymore, some nights still, but not every. When I do, I am mostly able to get myself back to sleep.
I am finalizing plans for Washington for Jason's birthday. I've arranged time to meet up with your family on Friday while I'm there and have lunch or dinner or something. Hopefully everyone can make it. I really want to see Jake and just visit with them. I am going to plan a drive out there in the spring or summer to take some of your things out to them.
I'm going to give your Jake your fishing gear. I think that would mean more to him then anyone else. I know Joel wants the tools, so I might split them between him and Jason. Still deciding on those however. Just slowly going through things and getting it all organized and cleaned up. I wear your bronco jacket/hoody, it's now mine. It's like a hug from you.
I miss you all the time and wish you were here.

November 13, 2016 · Midvale ·
Hey you, you've been my mind a lot more than normal the last two days. I have smiled, cried and just been numb all weekend. Went with my family up to Nikki's church for a Christmas bazaar. They had some cute stuff and I bought a candy dish. Two of the sweet ladies in her church (whom I only met at her vow renewal) came and gave me a big hug and sincerely told me how sorry they were to hear about you.
Coming up on two months on Wednesday and it seems so unreal that it's been two months already yet seems like yesterday.

Yesterday would have been Patsy's birthday, I had to imagine you two were together being silly and having a good time to keep the tears at bay. I miss her too so much. Jamie asked us all to go and do a random act of kindness in Patsy's honor... so I'll come up with something today and will do that!
I'm just staring at my phone now, so I'll sign off and hopefully get to go back to sleep for a little bit. This 2 am wide wake thing makes for a long day but I feel like you are here then. I don't know if it's because that's about the time you'd come crawl into bed or what.
Till the next time we chat. I miss you and I love you more than words can say.

November 15, 2016 ·
a little bit emotional tonight. (pms-ing too, which isnt helping) tomorrow marks 60 days without you. Two months missing your touch, missing your smile and the way you would wink at me from across the room when we were in public and just sitting in the living room.
we are expecting our first snow this week and it just reminds me that we are heading into another season without you.
dreading tomorrow already. wish I had words, but tonight I have none, just tears and heartache. I miss you so much!

November 18, 2016 · Midvale ·
Well here we are at 9 weeks. Another Friday, another week gone by. I'm doing ok this morning so far. I have the day off so I'm actually still laying in bed. I've given myself until 8 to get up then i will tackle 3 items from my to do list. I'm taking charge of my weekend and not allowing my grief to be in charge. We've had many chats this week while in the car, sitting on the couch, and laying in bed. We've talked about how I just need your help getting off the couch and motivated just a little bit when I am home. I've been just talking out loud about everything that comes to mind and that's helped more then you know. I'm sure the people in cars next to me think I'm strange, but I don't care because I'm talking to my husband about my life and world.
You never leave my mind, you are thought of with every decision I have to make. I make decisions based on the goals we had and so I'm still working towards those.
I walk in the door and say hi honey, I'm home and usually stop and smile when I think of how silly that is. Some how it makes the house feel less empty.
My plan is to coast through the next couple months and after the first of the year I'll pick up and finish getting financial stuff in order ( cars, house, bank, etc)
I miss hearing your voice, I miss seeing your face and those gorgeous hazel green eyes look at me with so much love. I hate so much that this is what life dished out for us, it's sucks so much! I think of you every minute of every day and have so much love for you. Time will never change that. Until our next chat my love. 💋
November 23, 2016 · Salt Lake City ·
One day, things will be alright again right? This has not been a good week. I almost would rather have crappy weekends so the weekdays would be better.
I'm sitting at work laughing with coworkers between tears. We are shopping online for names from the angel tree our company picked up. And all I want to do is talk with you and text and go home to you tonight.
Not much snow In The mountains yet, I think ski resorts are hoping this storm this weekend will dump up there so they can open Monday.
November 24, 2016 · Midvale · Happy turkey eating day! I've been awake since 1:30 with many tears and heart aches. They have finally started to dry up so that maybe I can get some sleep this morning. I've gone through a good portion of my tissues just this morning. I should just move to the couch and turn on the tv for noise.
It's been such a rough week. I'm not sure why this week has been so hard. Typically it's just a day here or there but it's been a steady week of hating this new life. Maybe it's because for the first time since you died I feel like finances are going to be ok and I will be ok. My heart fights me on that because I don't want to be ok if that means you had to die.
I have so many thoughts that I just don't know how to put them all down into words. Maybe that's why so many tears. You were and still are such a huge part of my life, every decision was made with you in mind and now it's just me. Oh God I miss you. I miss you so very much!

November 25, 2016 · Midvale ·
Good morning my love. Didn't get a full night, but I did get good solid 5 hours of sleep. Now getting up to tackle the house and laundry so that I can head south to spend a little time with your mom.
So I'm going to put my little tree up this year. I know you didn't want one, but I'm just trying to find me again, and fight my way out of this funk I'm in. So going back to what I did when it was just Jason and I and starting there.
Know that I love you, I wish every day that you were here. I don't know how to be me without you.

November 25, 2016 · Midvale ·
So, trying to figure out if I am coming down with something or if this grief thing has taken a different/new turn. Took my sleep aid last night and slept all right not great but all right. Woke up with a migraine, moved to the couch and have not moved all day except to grab food. I haven't even gotten out of my pajamas today. I did take two naps however. At 8:30 tonight I crawled right back into bed still with a headache....
There have been no tears just binge watching Netflix and sleep.

November 26, 2016 · Midvale ·
Didn't make it to your moms. Didn't sleep well and woke up feeling crappy and feverish. I did manage to go to Cyprus today and finally take in your death cert. I talked to Shauna for over an hour. We sat and talked about you and teared up, smiled and just remembered you. The whole branch expressed their condolences and told me how much you would be missed. You sure made an impression on those ladies :).
I'm tired, so very tired. I know my body is trying to tell me how tired I am but yet my mind and heart are struggling to let me get solid rest.

November 27, 2016 · Midvale ·
I feel so rested this morning. Took some zzzquil and seriously slept (deep sleep) from 9:45-7am. No wake ups in the middle.
I needed that sleep. I feel like because of a full nights sleep I can get up and conquer things today. I love talking aloud to you at 3am but last night I knew I just needed to sleep.
It's raining hard down here in the valley this morning. We are suppose to get snow by evening. I should go get gas for the snow blower this morning so that I have it ready when I need to use it. Going to fold my mountain of cloths and get the house cleaned up so that when I head to Washington Wednesday morning it's not a worry to me.
I love you, I miss you so much. Today is going to be a better day, I can feel it.

November 27, 2016 ·
I need to write this down somewhere that I can keep it always: I know your sister might think I'm losing my mind and I dont know if she'll understand but this experience meant so much to me.
so you always would lay in bed with me and play songs, all kinds. sometimes the whole song, sometimes just a line or two. You would typically tell me how/why this particular song stuck in your head and what it meant to you. I was not so knowledgeable about music and use to tell you to play ones I knew :)
I've had a pretty shitty week, very emotional and lost feeling.
This morning, I'm getting the suitcase out and putting items of yours in it that will go to Jason or to your family that also live up there and the song "I'm leaving on a jet plane" came into my head, which made me smile, because it felt like you knew what i was doing and that I was leaving on a trip.....but then I realized its only just the line that says. " so Kiss me, and smile for me. tell me that you'll wait for me, hold me like you'll never let me go" just that line, over and over again. I stopped and smiled and tears quietly fell from my eyes down my cheeks. it was a song you knew I knew and loved and it was a song you sang to me each time you headed to the truck.
This pressure and warmth hit my chest and I knew I felt your presence behind me I knew you were here in the house with me and so I told you how much I missed you and how sad I've been. I told you how hard this was. I felt you tell my mind that you know I am hurting. you told me you loved me and that I was going to get through this, that I just needed to keep holding on. you told me you would be with me always.
tears havent stopped since that moment, but i wanted to tell you how amazing you are and thank you for that.

It was so amazing to have that after the hard week I've had. I needed it!

December 9, 2016 · Salt Lake City ·
I've started typing to you every day for a week only to delete it half way through because it's brought on tears. But today since there are many tears anyway I figured I would type. I want to call you or text you so bad and I've turned to talk to you on the couch only to realize you aren't there. I had a blast in Washington celebrating Jason and just want to tell you all about it.
I put a tree up yesterday and then I sat and cried because it was just another thing that's changed.
Neil Diamond is coming to SLC, and while that commercial was playing I was singing along to sweet Caroline and when they got to the part that the audience does the bum bum bum I started to cry. You used to sing that part right into my ear every time we heard it. And all at once I knew that would've been a concert we would've gone to. I turned to the couch under the window and you weren't there to tell it to.
I am trying so hard to be happy and interact with family and friends but it's just so hard. No one wants to see me cry because it makes them so uncomfortable, so I plaster on the fake smile and keep the tears to myself in the safety of the house. It's just easier to stay home from things/activities anymore.
I just miss "us"

December 12, 2016 · Salt Lake City ·
It's been 87 days without you. Really had a hard day yesterday. Just needed your voice. I played the two videos with your voice on replay most the afternoon. Finally passed out from exhaustion sometime after midnight. I keep to myself and trying not to share on Facebook how my world really is because I'm tired of the comments from people that have no clue what grief is like for a spouse. Especially a spouse that got so little time. I feel cheated that I didn't get more time with you.
Everyone has moved on and I feel like I'm stuck in a black hole waiting to wake up from this nightmare and have you come home. I want to scream and yell at people and make them hurt too. I'm tired of being strong and I'm tired of "doing well" and I'm tired of being fine when all I feel inside is lost and empty. It's not getting easier like people say. Only a few in your family keep up with me and know how I'm really doing. John still calls about once a week and just chats. We laugh and cry and just allow each other to feel our loss. He has been working with a cardiologist having his heart checked and doing what needs done to stick around for awhile.
Only Kris and Joel check in every now and then from Oregon. And of course Nikki and I both write here and talk and text. I hear from your mom on Instagram and on occasion text, but I'm tired of hearing about Jehovah's plan and the hope.... that's not good enough for me. The congregation has all but disappeared from my life unless I reach out for something. I struggle with what I believe right now, and where death fits into it all.
I'm just lost and could use your level-headed wise words about now. I hate feeling like I'm in limbo.

December 12, 2016 · Midvale ·
This week I feel like I've been pushed back to the bottom of this hole and as I try climbing the walls are caving in. Had an emotional day, lots of tears. I didn't know it was possible to miss someone so much that you physically ache all over.

December 13, 2016 ·
well today has been a bit better. I welcome the emotional break. I'm relaxing tonight and have tomorrow off. I've got quite a bit on my plate tomorrow. 1st, cleaning is must, I've put it off way to long. I'm getting things ready for my launch party on saturday.
Mom is having her team retirement lunch, so the whole family has been invited to join them at Olive Garden. I wish you were here to go with me.
I love you with my whole being. I miss you more than there are words to express.

December 16, 2016 · Midvale ·
Thinking about you lots this morning and missing you. Today is 90 days.... a full three months. I really just want to lay here in our bed and if I didn't have so much that had to meet deadline today I would do just that. Maybe it will just be a half day. Wish you were here.
I am listening to the winds howl outside and enjoying this storm we are getting. I know the mountains are getting hit hard with snow while we are enjoying rain and clear roads. Washington has actually had more snow then we've had this year so far.
Love you and missing you so much it hurts.

December 16, 2016 ·
we got a decent storm today. you would be working Alta tonight because I'm sure they are busy now. I came home early as expected and the snow was sticking to the driveway and sidewalks and is suppose to go all night long. so I made my way to the shed to check for gasoline for the snow blower and noticed you have two gas cans with gas ( reg and half/half) for all the little machines and gadgets that make life easier (lawn mower, weed eater...etc) all of a sudden it hit me that i have no idea what kind of gas goes to the snow blower that i'm going to need to use by morning. I walked into the house to try calling Steve but he didnt answer and I sat on the couch and just cried. cried because you took care of this stuff, its not my job! finally pulled it together long enough to text your boss Kim and ask (since he has said many many times to call or let him know when i need anything)
he called right back and had me send him a picture of the blower so he could answer my question correctly... evidently its reg gas by the way.
tomorrow is my Scentsy party here at the house. I'm excited for it. You would be hating it right now because there is scentsy stuff everywhere right now.
well dinner is almost here, I decided I wasnt cooking tonight so I ordered pizza. just going to take it easy tonight and hope for a better day tomorrow.
I miss you so unbearably much. I am forgetting your voice and your touch and the thought of forgetting stresses me out.
I love you Mr. Clark, so much!

December 17, 2016 · Midvale ·
Having a great morning and plan on having a great day. I slept great even though i was awake at 3, but I feel rested. You are still very much on my mind but today it's with big smiles.
I have energy to get stuff accomplished for the first time since you died. So I'm up and cleaning and shoveling walk ways (cuz the snow we were suppose to get didn't hit in the valley-so not enough to pull out the blower.)
I love you so much. My heart is so full and aware of how much you love me.
~forever my always.

December 20, 2016 · Salt Lake City ·
Hey my love. Just thinking about you and our many trips and outings we would squeeze in where we could between your crazy schedule. Bringing smiles to my face today. Sure miss your voice and your texts. That's the part that seems to hurt the most. Not talking to you and hearing you respond.
Talked to John for about 20 minutes yesterday. He checks in about twice a month with me and we just talk. It's so great still having that connection with him.
Saw an idea on a friends page and one day when I am ok with it I might do it too. She took her husbands shirts and made them into pillows for her kids to snuggle with. I might leave the sleeves on one for me to be able to feel your arms around me. To just pick the best shirt for that now......
Working half day today and off tomorrow. Then Christmas this weekend. Just a different feel this year without you. I've Invited john to swing by this weekend to visit and we will probably talk about you. 😝
Oh I miss you honey, so much!

December 21, 2016 · Midvale ·

It's 2:20 and I've been awake since 12:44 in tears. I dreamt of you and when you left my dream I woke up and called out to you. I can't make the tears stop tonight. I just want you here. I had almost a full week of good days, and I guess it was time for some more tears.
I am sitting in the chair next to the bed because the thought of another night in our bed alone is overwhelming. I might move to the couch or spare room. I just took some zquil to try getting back to sleep since I have the day off tomorrow and can sleep in.
Why God, why my husband? Why Don? I want answers I want to know! It's not fair. I spent 16 years being single and life was finally happy and good again only to have him ripped away from me. It's not fair and I'm pissed off because of it. Oh sweetheart, I just want you back.

December 23, 2016 · Salt Lake City ·
You've been on my mind a lot these days. I don't know if it's just the holidays? I know that you didn't really celebrate, but yet would get into gift giving with me. Today marks 14 weeks, and actually as I'm typing this I realize it's 14 weeks to the minute I received the news you were no longer with us.
So much is different this season. Gift giving is just harder, i don't feel the same giddiness I use to in past years. I'm actually dreading family time tomorrow and Sunday. Everyone will be celebrating WITH their family and that hurts.
I'm struggling with going into 2017, and even though this isn't logical I feel sad because I'm entering a new year without you. It almost feels like I'm leaving you behind in 2016. It doesn't make sense but that's where the emotions are.
They are here In The office actually working on our heat. I took a picture and want so much to text you and tell you all about our Christmas miracle. It actually smells like heat in here today.
I can't believe that it's been 14 weeks. It's gone so fast, yet other days it has gone by so slow. Most days still have tears, not full out bawling sessions, but tears will stream as I remember something and then I'm ok for the day. The deep grief cries I try hard to keep at home when I can.
My back tire keeps going flat, I think I hit a nail. I have to go in and get that fixed today and I'm just pissed off that it's another thing I don't have you around to help with and calm my head.
I wish there were more words to describe how badly I miss you. I still talk to you daily out loud in the house. Oh how I wish life was different. I love you~ always have, always will. 
December 25, 2016 · Midvale ·
Merry Christmas babe! Looked out the window today and we finally got a big storm. The angle I was looking outside I smiled because the picture below is the image that came to my mind. This picture was taken in January. You never knew I took these, you hated your picture taken so much. 😉
Today I get to bundle up and clear the walks and driveway myself.
Sitting on the couch trying to decide if I like it where I put it. Decided last night I was going to move furniture around. Tv is going to go
Over in the corner by the window. Moving some things around from the walls too. Making the room mine now. Next project ( I'm thinking over New Years) is to finally white wash the fireplace.
Visited with Steve and Andrea the other day, it's the first time he's been ready to talk since you died. He has a picture that he wants me to have, it's one that hung in the Kingdom Hall when you guys were young. It's a gorgeous one of ships on the water and I'm trying to find a great spot for it. He acquired it from his moms house before you died and it was always meant to go to you.
Missing you so much this morning. No one to make breakfast for, no one to send out in the cold so that I can get to my Uncle Gary's this afternoon for our annual visit with David. It's just such a crummy day. (Weather and emotionally).
Going to finish moving things around and then lay on the couch watching tv. Love you always! ~forever my always
December 28, 2016 · Midvale ·
This is not a normal reaction is it?
just hearing the news that Debbie Reynolds died just 1 day after her daughter.... my heart is screaming "why the hell am I still here, I want to be with my sweetheart".
I'm not going to do something stupid but my heart is broken again and every emotion just came back to the surface after such a good day too.
Ok time for a glass of hot coco and an early to bed I think.

December 30, 2016 · Sandy ·
Well tonight I pulled in my big girl pants and took myself out to dinner. Not the pick up and go back home type, but I am sitting at sizzler where we enjoyed going and just had a steak, potatoes and brocolli with half boxed and ready to go home for tomorrow. I am sitting here with a few tears in my eyes playing on my phone/ eating and thinking of you and really missing our date nights.
Ok, just got home, had to leave when I felt a panic/anxiety attack hitting. Hard sobs all the way home, and some very deep breaths.
But, that first is done and for the most part, I could do it again.

January 1 ·
well today is the first day of 2017, and you wont see a single day of it. Today has been a harder day then I expected. I was in bed early last night and woke up to the neighbors banging on their pots and pans and whistles. I was able to go back to sleep until about 4. I've been awake since.
Football has been on all day (not on our tv, but scheduled) Both Seahawks and Bronos had good days.
I've rearranged the kitchen a little, we will see how it works for me before making more changes. The Fridge and microwave cart is now over on the wall shared with the living room and the table is up against where the fridge was. I'm loving it so far. Now to figure out how to take the water line off the baseboard. Its just an eyesore and I dont have a fridge with an icemaker. I'm building a fridge surround to give it a more built in look.
I've decluttered quite a bit of stuff. things are just in the storage shed for now and will either go on KSL or to goodwill in the spring.
I've also picked a new paint color for the kitchen. It will now be Gray and White. I have patches of gray on three of the walls so that I can see it in different lights and shadows. I imagine it will get painted in the next two weeks. I know you loved the blue, but its looking outdated and old so its time for an upgrade. I'll be putting beadboard on the cabinet doors to update the look there too. I wish you were here to help with the decisions, i am feeling guilty making the decisions on my own. eventually, I'm getting a new stove and fridge, but those are down the road a little bit.
next weekend, Matt is coming to help me move the spare bed to the other back bedroom. It will be a small guest room, and allow me to use the bigger room for an office. Lots of changes going on in the house right now, but necessary changes to make the home completely mine.
oh how i miss you. this new life really really sucks. I'd give anything to have you here with me.
I'm already tired of hearing "its a new year, look at all the possibilities ahead of you, dont look back" and the list goes on and on and on... people need to just shut up. they dont get it. we've moved into a year you'll never see and I'm not ok with that. I love you

January 8 · Midvale ·
Hi my love, having quite an emotional morning. Went through a basket of clothes that I had sat aside for goodwill and to pull some of your socks and underwear out that a neighbor boy of my moms could use and pulled up a pair of the big dog boxers you wore ALL the time that I hated and I seriously started to cry, big ugly cry
OVER UNDERWEAR! It's the funniest thing now, but Needless to say they are back in my room, that one stupid pair. It's an indication to me that I'm not going through your main cloths right now. Lots of changes at the house and doing some decluttering at the same time. I'm sure its all just overwhelming for my heart today. I really could use a Donnie hug today. I miss your touch and your not so gentle way of telling me to suck it up and it will be fine.
It's so weird making big decisions about changing rooms and decor and stuff without your input, and I know you would be glad that I was making the house my own but it's still weird. The whole time we were painting the fireplace I kept expecting you to walk through the door wanting to know what we were doing.
Going back to classes Monday, time to add that back into my schedule. It will give me something to focus on in the evenings again.
Oh honey, I miss you with every fiber of my body, every second of every day. Always, me

January 12 · Salt Lake City ·
I hate this I hate this I hate this! I want to talk to you so bad. I miss my best friend so much. I miss laughing with you, and I miss the smile you would flash me when I walked in the door.
Sitting here at work with tears streaming down my face, this hasn't hit at work for a few weeks and not sure what triggered it today.
I just need you to tell me it's ok. That I can do this without you.

January 16 · Midvale ·
Trying so hard to not jump on the anniversary train, but my mind started preparing a few days back I think. Today is 4 months! Seems like yesterday, yet seems like forever all at once. And according to Facebook memories, 3 years since my dad's heart attack. I'm really hating today, and filled with anger. You didn't get a second chance like my dad did and I'm a bit bitter because of it. Not that i wish my dad didn't make it, but just pissed off at your doctor today.
Trying to smile, and going to try to keep busy today. It hit last night and about two hours of hard crying I realized I needed to take something to make me sleep or I was going to be a bigger mess. Tears are flowing still this morning, but nothing a tissue can't fix. I really could use your hugs, and a kiss telling me it's alright, that we're in this together.
Today I'm staying in and away from people, going to work on another room In The house, getting it organized and put together. I want to believe you can see it, that you are still around in your own way. It helps me sometimes. Otherwise talking aloud to you just makes me look a little like a crazy woman.
I have some fun stuff coming up, little trips and I'm looking forward to them. Going to take some of your things to the Oregon family.
I miss you so very much, I wish there were words to explain how badly this hurts. How in the biggest crowd I still feel your absence. You had such a way of making me feel like I was the most important person in the room. I miss your touch, and your voice. This just sucks! ~Always my forever~

January 27 at 9:43pm · Midvale ·
Hey you, been thinking of you lots today. I have had two boxes of furniture pieces that have needed put together for two weeks now and today I finally decided since you weren't going to do it I guess I would, so I now have a nightstand in my room that fits the tall bed and a printer cart to put in the office. I used your drill and followed instructions that were not in English. Kept thinking how you'd have these done in just a matter of an hour maybe 1.5, me: well I got it done in about an hour for the nightstand and 3 for the cart. But I didn't quit and I did it myself. I'm kinda feeling proud of myself and I know you'd be proud too.
I know I don't talk to you in here often anymore, but I do talk to your picture at home every day.
I have a dog at the house now and I've been amazed how much better I am sleeping. And sleeping all night again. Our home doesn't seem as empty for me anymore. Even though you didn't really want a big dog, I think you would've really loved her.
I talk to John at least once a week still.... and I have John going to start coming to stay every Saturday night here. Being in town one 1night a week he decided to get rid of his apt and save money . He was going to just live in his truck at the flying J when he was in town. He will be giving me money to help with the house and food for when he is in town. He will have the spare room and use of the storage shed for his stuff. I just couldn't be ok with his living in the truck. It's just him, no Rachel or boys. I'm sure it will fine, but we are going to give it a couple months to try this out. I have a fold out bed in the office for when your mom or anyone comes up.
I have a scentsy convention tomorrow and I'm so excited to be going with Tammy. I'm excited to really get this business off the ground and making extra income for me.
Anyway handsome, that's what's happening in my world. I miss you daily and think of you every minute of every day. You are forever my always. I love you so much

January 30 at 7:57pm · Midvale ·
Ugh, I just want a hug so badly from you. Missing you something fierce tonight.

February 8 at 3:20am · Midvale ·
It's now 2am and I've been awake for about 30 minutes. Struggling this morning and not entirely sure why. It's been awhile since I have had a sleepless night and this morning I can't make the tears stop. None of this is fair!

February 12 at 8:14am · Midvale ·
Don, having a lot of sadness and a million other emotions this morning as I am waking up.
We didn't do valentines, and I didn't care much for my own birthday.... but you went all out for my birthday every year (overboard really) and tomorrow being my birthday, I am very aware that I haven't had you dropping hints and being bothered that I'm not trying to guess what you are doing this year. My boss has even stated she has missed your phone calls to plan the perfect surprise while I am at work. I am also feeling a lot of guilt that I am getting another birthday and you didn't. I am very aware that it's not logical to have this line of thoughts, but it has eaten at me all weekend. I am going to try to keep busy today. I am building shelves for the office and cleaning out the closets in the other rooms.
These really sucky bad days are far and few between now, they definitely hit when important days come up. I am experiencing a really sucky day last night-today. I'll just be home in my Jammie's today.
I have days where it's a few tears in the evening or during the day when a Memory pops into my head and then I move on with my day. And I have good days, where I smile at a memory, and I laugh and can call it a good day, those are getting more frequent and I am so grateful for those. I am coming up on 5 months without you, I can't believe it's been that long but in the same breath it has gone by kinda fast.
God, I miss you so much! I miss the way you made me feel like the most beautiful lady on the earth, and made me feel like I I could do anything. I feel like I am starting to forget your voice, and I miss your touch. You had a way of just hugging all my worry away and making me feel safe. God knows I could use one of those hugs about now. Just feeling really really empty right now.

February 22 at 3:48pm ·
Hey, seems like it's been awhile. Been thinking of you and just plugging through day by day. I've fallen out of my routine and I need to get back into one soon so that I can have a clean house again. I just have clutter everywhere it seems.
Went and had taxes done by Linda love (LL cool tax lady) as you called her. After three years of paying, We finally saw a refund this year. (Both fed and state) I started laughing and told Linda I just needed you to not work the whole last quarter of the year. Lol. We giggled for a long time over that.
Anyway, keeping it short today but just know that you are still a constant on my mind and I miss you terribly.



No comments: