Thursday, March 16, 2017

6 Months

6 months = 1/2 year = 181 days = 25 1/2 week = 4344 hours = 260640 minutes

I would like to tell you it has gotten easier.  There are certainly days that I can smile through the hole 
in my heart and put on the brave face.   I've enjoyed a solid two weeks without total melt downs, just minor tears as a moment hits me so I knew that a tidal wave of grief was coming.
yesterday morning a wall of grief hit hard.  I teared up several times at work, but managed to pull it together to get through my half day.  I cried all the way home.
My mind replayed every detail about our last evening together.   You had texted me while I was driving hom and told me you weren't feeling well, but wanted to go out to dinner.   I got home and we went out to applebees to eat.   we talked and laughed and enjoyed our night out.  Once home we watched some tv, joked around, played some games all before going to bed for the night.   I slept in the spare room knowing you were not feeling well and this would allow you to sleep through the night.   This is my one regret.  so many tears and sobbing (the i cant breathe kind)

                so today, I will be at work, I will try to keep busy and just survive.  

I cant believe it has been 6 months. Time seems to have flown by, yet at the same time it has stood still. if that makes any sense at all.   I've been awake for the last couple of hours, unable to sleep.    I'm not sure how today will play out, but the goal is to just really put the earphones in and block out everything. I just have to figure out what I will be listening to... most music is pretty much out, out of audio books right now..... Today is definitely not going to be a good day.  Its been awhile since I've had a really hard day, but i've got this.  just have to make it through 9 hours of work and then home to curl up on the couch for the night.  

It really sucks that you are the person I want to call when I am having a rough night.  you are the one I want to wrap your arms around me and tell me its all ok.  You are the one I just want to comfort me.  I hate this new life, I hate everything about this.      

I miss you so much.  there are not enough words to express how true those 5 words are.   Forever my Always! 

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